Application
Senshi: Sailor Hathor, Kemet, Wa'ew of Motherhood
Name: Femi Lee
Meaning: Femi – Egyptian, meaning 'love'.
Age: 25
Birthdate: January 1st
School/Occupation: Ex-Medical Receptionist
Major NPCs:
Dalila Lee: Younger sister. 4 years Femi's junior.
History
Femi was born in Victoria, Australia to Jung Hyuk Lee and Amora Lee (nee Hart). She was a precocious child, rarely crying and was content to play on her own. She was very obedient and liked to help out around the house. When she was 4 years old, her sister Dalila was born. Unlike Femi, Dalila cried often and seemed to require more attention. This irked Femi and for a while, she refused to interact with her sister. One day when her mother was in the shower and her father had gone out to the shed to get something, Femi was left alone with Dalila. Dalila promptly began to cry causing Femi to want to leave the room, but she realised that her parents were not around. A little bit annoyed by the situation, Femi walked over to the small child to try and placate her.
“You know... you're not alone. I'm here too.” The sound of Femi's voice cause the child to stop crying, which surprised Femi. The small child gave a small smile and reached towards Femi. Timidly, Femi held out her hand towards her younger sister. Dalila wrapped her small hand around Femi's index finger and fell asleep. From that day onwards Femi's attitude towards Dalila changed. She became incredibly protective of her younger sister.
The Lee family lived in a small, suburban neighbourhood, 30 mins out from the CBD. Jung Hyuk was a stay at home dad while Amora was a nurse at a nearby hospital. Femi and Dalila went to the local public primary school. Dalila grew to be a kind, sweet and passive young child, and Femi found herself having to come and protect her sister when other kids became cruel. Although Femi did well academically, her getting into fights with other kids caused her to get a reputation as a rebel. This reputation followed her into high school and made the other kids wary of her. This made Femi feel lonely and made it difficult for her to make friends. Dalila was her closest friend.
When it came time for Femi to choose her career, she felt completely lost. She looked up to her mother as a nurse, but Femi had felt that she lacked her mother's patience and kindness. Dalila suggested that she try Medical Administration as a starting point. So Femi did a short course for Medical Administration. With a certificate under her belt, she went on to find a job, applying for positions at local surgeries. No more than a week later, she found a nice 9-5 job at a local doctor's surgery. The team was very friendly and welcoming and Femi felt at home. Although shy at first, Femi soon became part of the “family” and began enjoying her new found friends.
A few years later, something occurred that would cause Femi's world to come crashing down around her. Femi's sister Dalila went missing without a trace. The police tried all they could to locate her, but no one seemed to have seen her anywhere. Amora became depressed and quit her job. Jung Hyuk tried hard to stay strong for his wife, but Femi could see that it was slowly eating away at him too. Femi couldn't sit by and do nothing. Dalila was her precious sister, her closest friend. When the police had started to investigate Dalila's disappearance, Femi remembered a blank text message she had received on her phone from her sister. To her surprise, it wasn't blank at all. At the very bottom of the message, were two words: New York. Femi quit her job, packed her bags and went to New York in search for her sister.
Femi was unable to find a job when she arrived, and slowly her funds started to run low. In an attempt to save money, she sleeps on the streets and lives a rather nomadic life, not sticking to any particular place long. She spends all of her time and resources in trying to find her sister.
Personality
Femi was always a calm and self sufficient child. She felt a satisfaction in being able to complete a task on her own, the praise she receive from her parents was also a good motivation. When Dalila was born, the small child's neediness and helplessness bothered her. Femi rarely required the attention of her parents and was happy entertaining herself. After that fateful day when Femi came to the aid of her sibling, she came to a realisation. What if no one was around to love you and care for you? Femi decided that it would be a horrible feeling and she set out to be that person who would protect those that were helpless. This inspired a motherly type attitude and not only did Femi become protective of her younger sister, but when she saw someone who needed help, she found it hard to turn a blind eye.
Femi is generally kind and caring in nature. She can also be stubborn and likes to do things her own way. She doesn't like leaving her fate in the hands of others and prefers to rely on her own abilities. This often leads her into difficult situations, such as her current living status. Femi refuses to ask for charity, knowing that there are others who are in more dire circumstances.
Femi is the type of person who likes to observe and gather information before making any final judgements. Although not very impulsive, her need to protect tends to override her other senses. Otherwise, Femi is quite organised and level headed. She is well mannered and has a good sense of respect which she learned from her father's family.
When not at work, Femi likes to indulge in Korean pop culture. Coming from a mixed race family, Femi can speak both Arabic and Korean. Femi loves listening to Korean pop music and watching the music videos, fan-girling over them in private. Due to her current lifestyle, Femi hasn't been able to indulge in this hobby. Her time is currently occupied with trying to find her baby sister and trying to survive on the streets of New York.
Her new life in New York is slowly starting to break her spirits. Where Femi was once confident in being able to help herself and others, she is beginning to feel useless. Since arriving, she hasn't found any clues as to where her sister could be. She hopelessly wanders the streets of New York, not knowing where to go, where to begin. She fears that she will die alone on the streets, without having said goodbye to her sister or her parents.
Appearance
Femi is 160cm and weighs roughly 55kg. She has wide hips and has an ample breast size. Her face is oval shaped with dark brown almond-shaped eyes and thick lashes. The tip of her nose is rounded and the bridge prominent. Her lips are small in width but full, both top and bottom. Her skin is a light tan, which she inherited from her mother. Her hair is raven coloured, chin length and wavy, with some parts dyed red.
Femi used to love dressing up and wearing pretty, feminine items of clothing. Due to her new lifestyle, Femi sold most of her clothing and wears clothes that are comfortable and practical.
Fuku
Visual reference: here
Sailor Hathor's fuku has a white leotard base with cutouts at the sides and a plunging neck line. On top there is gold chest armour that wraps around her bust. Around her waist is a linen cloth tied around to form a skirt that ends mid thigh and is accompanied by a bow. On her feet are sandals made of straw. Gold and lapis lazuli wrist cuffs adorn both wrists as well as a collar around her neck made of the same material. Atop her head is a partial cow's skull. She has blue eye make up and black eye liner. Femi's hair is now straight with two braids framing her face.
Transformation
Femi's relic is a sistrum, a musical instrument much like a rattle. In it's “sealed” form, it is in the form of a brooch that Femi wears on her shirt. To transform, Femi wraps her hand around the brooch and says the phrase, “Goddess of motherhood, Hathor- Protect me!” The sistrum grows into its full size. Femi grasps the sistrum by the handle and shakes it above her head three times. Gold “dust” falls from the sistrum which covers Femi's body. The gold dust vanishes in an explosion of white light, revealing Sailor Hathor.
Powers
First power: “Mother's instinct!” Hathor makes a triangular shape with her hands and places it over where her womb is. Energy waves emit from Hathor's hands and overwhelm the enemy. It causes the enemy to think that Hathor is their child and will therefore begin to protect Hathor. The more Hathor gets hurt, the more the enemy fiercely defends her. This attack can only be used one time per enemy per day. The effects wear off after 3 minutes.
Second power: “Healing kiss~” Hathor kisses the area where the wound/injury is. After a few moments, the wound/injury is healed. Hathor has limited usage of this attack, as it drains her powers. The more severe the wound/injury, the more power is drained from Hathor. She can heal fatal injuries/reverse death, but at the cost of her life. Also, it cannot be performed on herself.
Guardian
Unknown
Explanation
When looking up on the goddess Hathor, I had a look at the principles that she represents. I knew that I would be set in basing her powers on Motherhood, but Hathor was also known as the goddess of love. With this in mind, I decided that Hathor's civilian name would be one that means love. After settling on what Hathor's racial identity would be in her civilian form, I searched for an appropriate name. That's how I came across Femi. For her surname, I chose Lee. I didn't choose it for any particular reason other than it is a pretty common Korean last name. Meaning wise, it is derived from the Chinese surname Li, which means Plum.
The followers of Hathor celebrate her birthday on “the day that Sirus rose” and is marked by being the first day of the first month. No actual date is given but in modern times, the first day of the first month is January 1st. This is how I chose the birthday of Femi.
I wanted Femi's personality to allude to her powers as a senshi. So Femi's overall nature revolves around protection.
When coming up with a fuku, I tried to keep to the guidelines listed on the website. To have some kind of similarity to the traditional fuku, I kept the use of a white leotard, but stylised it with my own sense of aesthetics. I also included a skirt of sorts, used the references provided on the website to design the skirt. I added a bow, to again tie it to the traditional senshi fuku. I used some elements of Egyptian armour to finish the rest of the fuku, adding a gold chest plate and wrist protectors. I also added a gold collar which was common in a lot of the images of Egyptian clothing. It stands in place of where the traditional fuku would have a sailor collar. In images, Hathor is depicted as the cow goddess. To tie this into my fuku, I placed a cow skull as a kind of helmet on Sailor Hathor's head.
As for her powers, the first is based on how mother's instinctively protect their young and stories of people who have instinctively gone to save someone and somehow gained superhuman strength eg. Lifting a car to save their trapped child. Her second power is based on the act of “kissing something better” that parents do.
Writing Sample
Note: Om means mother in arabic. Aboji means father.
Femi looked up towards the sky at the towering buildings around her. She shifted uncomfortably, drawing her coat closer around her.The tall buildings reminded Femi of how small she was in relation to the grander scheme of things... It also reminded her of how small Dalila was and the difficulty of the search ahead of her. It almost made Femi feel like giving up. Almost. Maybe if she wasn't so damn stubborn, she could resign herself to the fact that it was almost impossible for her to find Dalila alone.
She's your precious sister. Get a grip of yourself.
Femi shook her head as if the her worries had physically manifested themselves and had been trying to smother her. Slinging her backpack onto her other shoulder, she continued on her journey. It had been almost a year since she arrived in America. The first thing she did was contact the police. Unfortunately, that had ended up with no results as they mentioned something about not having heard from Australian authorities. This had infuriated Femi which almost lead to her being detained. Luckily she had come to her senses and walked out peacefully. So with not many options left to her, she did what she could. She made a flier and started handing them out to who ever would take them. The days turned to weeks, the weeks to months, and now the anniversary of her arrival was dawning. With nothing but a backpack on her back, an arm full of flier and a map, Femi wandered the streets. Her existence felt pitful. She felt useless.
At the end of another day wandering the streets of another neighbourhood, Femi returned to the park which she called home for the time being. She sat herself down on a nearby bench which was obscured from the street by a few bushes.
“I am such a fool... what made me think I had any hope of finding her? Especially without the help of any one. Being foreign in a new land... I'm so stupid!” She cursed herself out loud, tears streaming down her face. She pulled out her mobile phone and stared at the background picture of Dalila and herself before the tears started to obscure her vision. She sobbed louder now, her shoulders shaking with the force of her cries and the pain in her heart. I will die in this foreign land, without a friend, without a loved one to bury me.
Beep beep.
Femi wiped her eyes and looked at her mobile. It was a text message from her father. Since arriving in America, she kept in contact with her parents. Of course, they had no idea that she was without a job and living on the streets. She didn't want them to worry about her. But reading the message on the screen in front of her, caused her heart to ache even more.
No matter what happens, your om and I love you very much. Stay safe.
Femi clutched the phone in her fist. With tears streaming down her face she made a new resolution. I will find Dalila, no matter what cost. Thank you aboji. Drying her eyes, Femi went to find somewhere to sleep. After a good nights rest, she will continue her search for Dalila.
Name: Femi Lee
Meaning: Femi – Egyptian, meaning 'love'.
Age: 25
Birthdate: January 1st
School/Occupation: Ex-Medical Receptionist
Major NPCs:
Dalila Lee: Younger sister. 4 years Femi's junior.
History
Femi was born in Victoria, Australia to Jung Hyuk Lee and Amora Lee (nee Hart). She was a precocious child, rarely crying and was content to play on her own. She was very obedient and liked to help out around the house. When she was 4 years old, her sister Dalila was born. Unlike Femi, Dalila cried often and seemed to require more attention. This irked Femi and for a while, she refused to interact with her sister. One day when her mother was in the shower and her father had gone out to the shed to get something, Femi was left alone with Dalila. Dalila promptly began to cry causing Femi to want to leave the room, but she realised that her parents were not around. A little bit annoyed by the situation, Femi walked over to the small child to try and placate her.
“You know... you're not alone. I'm here too.” The sound of Femi's voice cause the child to stop crying, which surprised Femi. The small child gave a small smile and reached towards Femi. Timidly, Femi held out her hand towards her younger sister. Dalila wrapped her small hand around Femi's index finger and fell asleep. From that day onwards Femi's attitude towards Dalila changed. She became incredibly protective of her younger sister.
The Lee family lived in a small, suburban neighbourhood, 30 mins out from the CBD. Jung Hyuk was a stay at home dad while Amora was a nurse at a nearby hospital. Femi and Dalila went to the local public primary school. Dalila grew to be a kind, sweet and passive young child, and Femi found herself having to come and protect her sister when other kids became cruel. Although Femi did well academically, her getting into fights with other kids caused her to get a reputation as a rebel. This reputation followed her into high school and made the other kids wary of her. This made Femi feel lonely and made it difficult for her to make friends. Dalila was her closest friend.
When it came time for Femi to choose her career, she felt completely lost. She looked up to her mother as a nurse, but Femi had felt that she lacked her mother's patience and kindness. Dalila suggested that she try Medical Administration as a starting point. So Femi did a short course for Medical Administration. With a certificate under her belt, she went on to find a job, applying for positions at local surgeries. No more than a week later, she found a nice 9-5 job at a local doctor's surgery. The team was very friendly and welcoming and Femi felt at home. Although shy at first, Femi soon became part of the “family” and began enjoying her new found friends.
A few years later, something occurred that would cause Femi's world to come crashing down around her. Femi's sister Dalila went missing without a trace. The police tried all they could to locate her, but no one seemed to have seen her anywhere. Amora became depressed and quit her job. Jung Hyuk tried hard to stay strong for his wife, but Femi could see that it was slowly eating away at him too. Femi couldn't sit by and do nothing. Dalila was her precious sister, her closest friend. When the police had started to investigate Dalila's disappearance, Femi remembered a blank text message she had received on her phone from her sister. To her surprise, it wasn't blank at all. At the very bottom of the message, were two words: New York. Femi quit her job, packed her bags and went to New York in search for her sister.
Femi was unable to find a job when she arrived, and slowly her funds started to run low. In an attempt to save money, she sleeps on the streets and lives a rather nomadic life, not sticking to any particular place long. She spends all of her time and resources in trying to find her sister.
Personality
Femi was always a calm and self sufficient child. She felt a satisfaction in being able to complete a task on her own, the praise she receive from her parents was also a good motivation. When Dalila was born, the small child's neediness and helplessness bothered her. Femi rarely required the attention of her parents and was happy entertaining herself. After that fateful day when Femi came to the aid of her sibling, she came to a realisation. What if no one was around to love you and care for you? Femi decided that it would be a horrible feeling and she set out to be that person who would protect those that were helpless. This inspired a motherly type attitude and not only did Femi become protective of her younger sister, but when she saw someone who needed help, she found it hard to turn a blind eye.
Femi is generally kind and caring in nature. She can also be stubborn and likes to do things her own way. She doesn't like leaving her fate in the hands of others and prefers to rely on her own abilities. This often leads her into difficult situations, such as her current living status. Femi refuses to ask for charity, knowing that there are others who are in more dire circumstances.
Femi is the type of person who likes to observe and gather information before making any final judgements. Although not very impulsive, her need to protect tends to override her other senses. Otherwise, Femi is quite organised and level headed. She is well mannered and has a good sense of respect which she learned from her father's family.
When not at work, Femi likes to indulge in Korean pop culture. Coming from a mixed race family, Femi can speak both Arabic and Korean. Femi loves listening to Korean pop music and watching the music videos, fan-girling over them in private. Due to her current lifestyle, Femi hasn't been able to indulge in this hobby. Her time is currently occupied with trying to find her baby sister and trying to survive on the streets of New York.
Her new life in New York is slowly starting to break her spirits. Where Femi was once confident in being able to help herself and others, she is beginning to feel useless. Since arriving, she hasn't found any clues as to where her sister could be. She hopelessly wanders the streets of New York, not knowing where to go, where to begin. She fears that she will die alone on the streets, without having said goodbye to her sister or her parents.
Appearance
Femi is 160cm and weighs roughly 55kg. She has wide hips and has an ample breast size. Her face is oval shaped with dark brown almond-shaped eyes and thick lashes. The tip of her nose is rounded and the bridge prominent. Her lips are small in width but full, both top and bottom. Her skin is a light tan, which she inherited from her mother. Her hair is raven coloured, chin length and wavy, with some parts dyed red.
Femi used to love dressing up and wearing pretty, feminine items of clothing. Due to her new lifestyle, Femi sold most of her clothing and wears clothes that are comfortable and practical.
Fuku
Visual reference: here
Sailor Hathor's fuku has a white leotard base with cutouts at the sides and a plunging neck line. On top there is gold chest armour that wraps around her bust. Around her waist is a linen cloth tied around to form a skirt that ends mid thigh and is accompanied by a bow. On her feet are sandals made of straw. Gold and lapis lazuli wrist cuffs adorn both wrists as well as a collar around her neck made of the same material. Atop her head is a partial cow's skull. She has blue eye make up and black eye liner. Femi's hair is now straight with two braids framing her face.
Transformation
Femi's relic is a sistrum, a musical instrument much like a rattle. In it's “sealed” form, it is in the form of a brooch that Femi wears on her shirt. To transform, Femi wraps her hand around the brooch and says the phrase, “Goddess of motherhood, Hathor- Protect me!” The sistrum grows into its full size. Femi grasps the sistrum by the handle and shakes it above her head three times. Gold “dust” falls from the sistrum which covers Femi's body. The gold dust vanishes in an explosion of white light, revealing Sailor Hathor.
Powers
First power: “Mother's instinct!” Hathor makes a triangular shape with her hands and places it over where her womb is. Energy waves emit from Hathor's hands and overwhelm the enemy. It causes the enemy to think that Hathor is their child and will therefore begin to protect Hathor. The more Hathor gets hurt, the more the enemy fiercely defends her. This attack can only be used one time per enemy per day. The effects wear off after 3 minutes.
Second power: “Healing kiss~” Hathor kisses the area where the wound/injury is. After a few moments, the wound/injury is healed. Hathor has limited usage of this attack, as it drains her powers. The more severe the wound/injury, the more power is drained from Hathor. She can heal fatal injuries/reverse death, but at the cost of her life. Also, it cannot be performed on herself.
Guardian
Unknown
Explanation
When looking up on the goddess Hathor, I had a look at the principles that she represents. I knew that I would be set in basing her powers on Motherhood, but Hathor was also known as the goddess of love. With this in mind, I decided that Hathor's civilian name would be one that means love. After settling on what Hathor's racial identity would be in her civilian form, I searched for an appropriate name. That's how I came across Femi. For her surname, I chose Lee. I didn't choose it for any particular reason other than it is a pretty common Korean last name. Meaning wise, it is derived from the Chinese surname Li, which means Plum.
The followers of Hathor celebrate her birthday on “the day that Sirus rose” and is marked by being the first day of the first month. No actual date is given but in modern times, the first day of the first month is January 1st. This is how I chose the birthday of Femi.
I wanted Femi's personality to allude to her powers as a senshi. So Femi's overall nature revolves around protection.
When coming up with a fuku, I tried to keep to the guidelines listed on the website. To have some kind of similarity to the traditional fuku, I kept the use of a white leotard, but stylised it with my own sense of aesthetics. I also included a skirt of sorts, used the references provided on the website to design the skirt. I added a bow, to again tie it to the traditional senshi fuku. I used some elements of Egyptian armour to finish the rest of the fuku, adding a gold chest plate and wrist protectors. I also added a gold collar which was common in a lot of the images of Egyptian clothing. It stands in place of where the traditional fuku would have a sailor collar. In images, Hathor is depicted as the cow goddess. To tie this into my fuku, I placed a cow skull as a kind of helmet on Sailor Hathor's head.
As for her powers, the first is based on how mother's instinctively protect their young and stories of people who have instinctively gone to save someone and somehow gained superhuman strength eg. Lifting a car to save their trapped child. Her second power is based on the act of “kissing something better” that parents do.
Writing Sample
Note: Om means mother in arabic. Aboji means father.
Femi looked up towards the sky at the towering buildings around her. She shifted uncomfortably, drawing her coat closer around her.The tall buildings reminded Femi of how small she was in relation to the grander scheme of things... It also reminded her of how small Dalila was and the difficulty of the search ahead of her. It almost made Femi feel like giving up. Almost. Maybe if she wasn't so damn stubborn, she could resign herself to the fact that it was almost impossible for her to find Dalila alone.
She's your precious sister. Get a grip of yourself.
Femi shook her head as if the her worries had physically manifested themselves and had been trying to smother her. Slinging her backpack onto her other shoulder, she continued on her journey. It had been almost a year since she arrived in America. The first thing she did was contact the police. Unfortunately, that had ended up with no results as they mentioned something about not having heard from Australian authorities. This had infuriated Femi which almost lead to her being detained. Luckily she had come to her senses and walked out peacefully. So with not many options left to her, she did what she could. She made a flier and started handing them out to who ever would take them. The days turned to weeks, the weeks to months, and now the anniversary of her arrival was dawning. With nothing but a backpack on her back, an arm full of flier and a map, Femi wandered the streets. Her existence felt pitful. She felt useless.
At the end of another day wandering the streets of another neighbourhood, Femi returned to the park which she called home for the time being. She sat herself down on a nearby bench which was obscured from the street by a few bushes.
“I am such a fool... what made me think I had any hope of finding her? Especially without the help of any one. Being foreign in a new land... I'm so stupid!” She cursed herself out loud, tears streaming down her face. She pulled out her mobile phone and stared at the background picture of Dalila and herself before the tears started to obscure her vision. She sobbed louder now, her shoulders shaking with the force of her cries and the pain in her heart. I will die in this foreign land, without a friend, without a loved one to bury me.
Beep beep.
Femi wiped her eyes and looked at her mobile. It was a text message from her father. Since arriving in America, she kept in contact with her parents. Of course, they had no idea that she was without a job and living on the streets. She didn't want them to worry about her. But reading the message on the screen in front of her, caused her heart to ache even more.
No matter what happens, your om and I love you very much. Stay safe.
Femi clutched the phone in her fist. With tears streaming down her face she made a new resolution. I will find Dalila, no matter what cost. Thank you aboji. Drying her eyes, Femi went to find somewhere to sleep. After a good nights rest, she will continue her search for Dalila.
Results
Your application has been Rejected for Revision and was reviewed by Regina and Em.
Em: You clearly have the writing skills necessary, but I’m not sure the character’s history and personality really reached a level of believable cohesion for me, and there are some areas that would benefit from increased detail. I absolutely adore your fuku design, though, and I think with revision, you would make a great addition to the game!
Regina: Overall, I like it, but it does have some plot holes in it I think need to be addressed, particularly regarding Femi's disappearing sister.
Detailed notes are below.
Civilian
+ E: Yay! Use of alternate title!
- R: If she's a former medical receptionist, what is she doing now?
- R: No details on her parents? And very little on her sister. Could use exposition.
* E: Even if her parents are dead or not in NYC and Femi never talks to them, it would be good to include them in the NPC list. Also, a brief description of her younger sister (particularly if she is in NYC) would be helpful!
History
- E: How or why did her parents give her an Egyptian first name? (Reading further, her mother is of Egyptian descent?) Is Femi first-generation Australian, or were her parents also born in the country? If her parents are immigrants, how has that affected her childhood?
- E: The sudden turnaround in Femi’s attitude towards her sister being based upon such a singular, small event doesn’t seem very believable.
- E: It would be good to define CBD for people who don’t know what that is.
- R: There's a four year age difference between Femi and Dalila. I'm not terribly familiar with Australia's public education system but it seems they'd be apart in school, more often than not, cutting down on Femi's fights when caused by a need to protect her sister.
- E: Why were kids cruel to Dalila? Given the four years between them, I imagine there were many times Femi wasn’t able to protect her sister at school. How did Femi and Dalila deal with this?
- E: There weren’t some other kids in the high school that thought being a rebel was cool and admired Femi? I feel like that’s a classic school group because rebellion is so appealing to many teenagers. Basically, I guess I’m saying that while I would accept Dalila is Femi’s best friend in the world, I’m not so convinced by her lack of social life outside her sister. Also, what makes them such best friends? Dalila doesn’t seem to have much of a personality from what’s described here. Do they have a lot of common interests?
- E: I wouldn’t mind knowing a bit more about how old Femi was for some of these events in her life. How long has it been since her sister’s disappearance? How long has Femi been in NYC? (Some questions, while answered later in other sections of the application, should be answered in this section as well.)
- R: I would like some details on how Femi's looking for her sister, especially with her funds running low. It's a highly unusual move so information on that front would be useful. How do her parents feel about this? Is she in touch with them? How long has Femi been in New York? Not to mention the potential complications of Femi, an Australian national, roaming about in the US, probably way past the expiration of any travel permits.
Personality
- E: You don’t really need to rehash Femi’s personality history (which was in the history section already). Focus more on who she is. If some of her personality traits are tied to or a result of her history, that’s good -- like not having any friends at school making Femi inexperienced at befriending others, or getting into fights because of people bullying her sister causing Femi to distrust others -- but
- R: Living on the streets of New York likely exposes Femi to the hardships of a lot of people, particularly the homeless. Since she finds it hard to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, and with her own resources being so limited, I'm curious as to how she's responding to that situation.
- R: Femi is described as both practical but stubborn. But given her behavior in her history, she doesn't really behave in a practical fashion. This could use some more examples, I think.
- E: To be honest, I’m not sure if the personality really matches up to the history. You describe Femi as being kind and caring, but she spent a lot of time fighting people in school, and she was initially bothered by her sister until suddenly she made that 180 turn in her view of her sister. You also say she’s someone who looks for people who needs help and wants to mother them, but again, loner throughout her school years, more interested in beating people up than helping classmates or making friends with people who may have needed a friend. There’s no mention of her helping anyone in her history really, just fighting people in defense of her sister. You say Femi observes and likes to gather information before taking action, but then how much was she able to observe of people bullying her sister before she started fighting with others about it? If she’s level-headed, well-mannered, and respectful, again, why all the fighting to the point where other children wouldn’t even be her friend? If the bullies were her sister’s classmates, too, that would mean Femi was beating up children four years her junior.
Appearance
- R: I think you'd want to stick with her hair being "black" as opposed to "raven colored." (Ravens have iridescent feathers.)
+ E: Good basic description. I wouldn’t mind a few more details that differentiate her from others. Does she have any scars from all the childhood fighting? What color palette does she prefer for her clothing? Does she take time to make herself look presentable, or is it immediately evident she’s living on the streets?
- R: What sorts of clothes does she consider comfortable and practical? New York in the winter is coooold.
Fuku
+ R: Very Egyptian! And I like the cow skull!
+ E: I really, really love your fuku design! Ahh, it’s gorgeous! Good basic description of it, though there are some things that might also be worth putting in words, like the fact her linen skirt bow is around front (as typical for ancient Egyptian fashion), a little more detail about the sandals, describing the collar and cuffs as gold with a line or band of lapis lazuli rather than a more general summation of materials, that sort of thing. (The fuku section is partly to gauge your ability to write technical description of visual elements.)
Transformation
- E: In brooch form, how big is it?
+ E: Lovely transformation otherwise!
+ R: I like it. No issues.
Powers
+ E: Mother’s Instinct is a nice power, good use of the base. Just to clarify, it only affects a single enemy? (As “the enemy” can be used to refer to a group as well as an individual.)
- R: Mother's Instinct - I find it interesting in that this power doesn't involve Hathor being motherly, but rather inspiring someone else to be so. What happens when Hathor's not being attacked, though? And not everyone has the same 'parenting' urges. The sort of person who has a 'tough love' approach may not react that way. (Thoughts, Em?)
+ E: I think it is clear in the context of the power that it would force the affected senshi to be compelled into protective motherly urges, so it wouldn’t matter what the character’s personal parenting skills are. (Though it would be interesting to see how it affects characters who generally lack these parenting instincts, like Henry, for example, who has never felt those kinds of urges but actually is a parent.)
+ E: Always nice to see a healing power! Can she use this so much that she isn’t able to perform Mother’s Instinct? If she performs Mother’s Instinct, does that limit her healing skills, or are the energies for these powers separate? When the wound heals, does it leave a scar? Can she only heal a wound partially if she doesn’t have the energy to do so fully, or is it all-or nothing? And even if she does have full power, can she choose to heal an injury partially to conserve her energy?
- E: If the sistrum isn’t a weapon I think you need to describe it in more detail, possibly up in the fuku section. It does seem a bit of a waste to not have the sistrum involved in any of her attacks. Mother’s Instinct involves Femi using both her hands -- what happens with the sistrum when she uses that power? Does she just put it on the ground?
- R: Healing Kiss~ - I don't think we need the tilde at the end of that. This one definitely needs more information though: how often can she use it, is there a level of injury that she can't fix? I'm not so sure about a power that can kill its user (unless say, they're Sailor Phoenix), I think it'd be more probable that further attempts to use it would fail?
+ E: I’m fine with the power use potentially killing the user, I think that’s a great classic SMyth element. Just because that sort of thing might come to mind for Phoenix doesn’t mean Hathor couldn’t (or shouldn’t) have such a power.
Explanation
+ E: Nice explanations! It would be kind of cool if it’s possibly to determine what the first day of the first month was in the Egyptian calendar. (According to the Wikipedia article on the Egyptian calendar, their New Year’s Day fell on July 20th on the Julian calendar in 139 CE, corresponding with the heliacal rising of the star Sirius.)
- E: I understand the impetus to use the power base to inform all areas of the character, even civilian history, but I’m not sure if this quite hit the mark, because the interpretation of “protection” ended up being “assaulting others.” Personally, I would advise not trying to base the character’s history and personality on their senshi identity, and more just developing the character as the character. Rather than trying to incorporate these specific character traits and elements, asking what sort of person has those traits, and how being that sort of a person would shape a life one way or another.
- R: - Given Dalila's disappearance, this looks like a pretty significant character arc for Femi. Did you have a plot outline in mind, or are you winging it?
Writing Sample
+ R: No problems with the writing sample.
+ E: Nice writing sample, though time jumps (first it’s earlier in the day, then it’s later, and then she goes to sleep and wakes back up) aren’t recommended, since they won’t generally be something that occurs when you’re RPing with others.
Em: You clearly have the writing skills necessary, but I’m not sure the character’s history and personality really reached a level of believable cohesion for me, and there are some areas that would benefit from increased detail. I absolutely adore your fuku design, though, and I think with revision, you would make a great addition to the game!
Regina: Overall, I like it, but it does have some plot holes in it I think need to be addressed, particularly regarding Femi's disappearing sister.
Detailed notes are below.
Civilian
+ E: Yay! Use of alternate title!
- R: If she's a former medical receptionist, what is she doing now?
- R: No details on her parents? And very little on her sister. Could use exposition.
* E: Even if her parents are dead or not in NYC and Femi never talks to them, it would be good to include them in the NPC list. Also, a brief description of her younger sister (particularly if she is in NYC) would be helpful!
History
- E: How or why did her parents give her an Egyptian first name? (Reading further, her mother is of Egyptian descent?) Is Femi first-generation Australian, or were her parents also born in the country? If her parents are immigrants, how has that affected her childhood?
- E: The sudden turnaround in Femi’s attitude towards her sister being based upon such a singular, small event doesn’t seem very believable.
- E: It would be good to define CBD for people who don’t know what that is.
- R: There's a four year age difference between Femi and Dalila. I'm not terribly familiar with Australia's public education system but it seems they'd be apart in school, more often than not, cutting down on Femi's fights when caused by a need to protect her sister.
- E: Why were kids cruel to Dalila? Given the four years between them, I imagine there were many times Femi wasn’t able to protect her sister at school. How did Femi and Dalila deal with this?
- E: There weren’t some other kids in the high school that thought being a rebel was cool and admired Femi? I feel like that’s a classic school group because rebellion is so appealing to many teenagers. Basically, I guess I’m saying that while I would accept Dalila is Femi’s best friend in the world, I’m not so convinced by her lack of social life outside her sister. Also, what makes them such best friends? Dalila doesn’t seem to have much of a personality from what’s described here. Do they have a lot of common interests?
- E: I wouldn’t mind knowing a bit more about how old Femi was for some of these events in her life. How long has it been since her sister’s disappearance? How long has Femi been in NYC? (Some questions, while answered later in other sections of the application, should be answered in this section as well.)
- R: I would like some details on how Femi's looking for her sister, especially with her funds running low. It's a highly unusual move so information on that front would be useful. How do her parents feel about this? Is she in touch with them? How long has Femi been in New York? Not to mention the potential complications of Femi, an Australian national, roaming about in the US, probably way past the expiration of any travel permits.
Personality
- E: You don’t really need to rehash Femi’s personality history (which was in the history section already). Focus more on who she is. If some of her personality traits are tied to or a result of her history, that’s good -- like not having any friends at school making Femi inexperienced at befriending others, or getting into fights because of people bullying her sister causing Femi to distrust others -- but
- R: Living on the streets of New York likely exposes Femi to the hardships of a lot of people, particularly the homeless. Since she finds it hard to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, and with her own resources being so limited, I'm curious as to how she's responding to that situation.
- R: Femi is described as both practical but stubborn. But given her behavior in her history, she doesn't really behave in a practical fashion. This could use some more examples, I think.
- E: To be honest, I’m not sure if the personality really matches up to the history. You describe Femi as being kind and caring, but she spent a lot of time fighting people in school, and she was initially bothered by her sister until suddenly she made that 180 turn in her view of her sister. You also say she’s someone who looks for people who needs help and wants to mother them, but again, loner throughout her school years, more interested in beating people up than helping classmates or making friends with people who may have needed a friend. There’s no mention of her helping anyone in her history really, just fighting people in defense of her sister. You say Femi observes and likes to gather information before taking action, but then how much was she able to observe of people bullying her sister before she started fighting with others about it? If she’s level-headed, well-mannered, and respectful, again, why all the fighting to the point where other children wouldn’t even be her friend? If the bullies were her sister’s classmates, too, that would mean Femi was beating up children four years her junior.
Appearance
- R: I think you'd want to stick with her hair being "black" as opposed to "raven colored." (Ravens have iridescent feathers.)
+ E: Good basic description. I wouldn’t mind a few more details that differentiate her from others. Does she have any scars from all the childhood fighting? What color palette does she prefer for her clothing? Does she take time to make herself look presentable, or is it immediately evident she’s living on the streets?
- R: What sorts of clothes does she consider comfortable and practical? New York in the winter is coooold.
Fuku
+ R: Very Egyptian! And I like the cow skull!
+ E: I really, really love your fuku design! Ahh, it’s gorgeous! Good basic description of it, though there are some things that might also be worth putting in words, like the fact her linen skirt bow is around front (as typical for ancient Egyptian fashion), a little more detail about the sandals, describing the collar and cuffs as gold with a line or band of lapis lazuli rather than a more general summation of materials, that sort of thing. (The fuku section is partly to gauge your ability to write technical description of visual elements.)
Transformation
- E: In brooch form, how big is it?
+ E: Lovely transformation otherwise!
+ R: I like it. No issues.
Powers
+ E: Mother’s Instinct is a nice power, good use of the base. Just to clarify, it only affects a single enemy? (As “the enemy” can be used to refer to a group as well as an individual.)
- R: Mother's Instinct - I find it interesting in that this power doesn't involve Hathor being motherly, but rather inspiring someone else to be so. What happens when Hathor's not being attacked, though? And not everyone has the same 'parenting' urges. The sort of person who has a 'tough love' approach may not react that way. (Thoughts, Em?)
+ E: I think it is clear in the context of the power that it would force the affected senshi to be compelled into protective motherly urges, so it wouldn’t matter what the character’s personal parenting skills are. (Though it would be interesting to see how it affects characters who generally lack these parenting instincts, like Henry, for example, who has never felt those kinds of urges but actually is a parent.)
+ E: Always nice to see a healing power! Can she use this so much that she isn’t able to perform Mother’s Instinct? If she performs Mother’s Instinct, does that limit her healing skills, or are the energies for these powers separate? When the wound heals, does it leave a scar? Can she only heal a wound partially if she doesn’t have the energy to do so fully, or is it all-or nothing? And even if she does have full power, can she choose to heal an injury partially to conserve her energy?
- E: If the sistrum isn’t a weapon I think you need to describe it in more detail, possibly up in the fuku section. It does seem a bit of a waste to not have the sistrum involved in any of her attacks. Mother’s Instinct involves Femi using both her hands -- what happens with the sistrum when she uses that power? Does she just put it on the ground?
- R: Healing Kiss~ - I don't think we need the tilde at the end of that. This one definitely needs more information though: how often can she use it, is there a level of injury that she can't fix? I'm not so sure about a power that can kill its user (unless say, they're Sailor Phoenix), I think it'd be more probable that further attempts to use it would fail?
+ E: I’m fine with the power use potentially killing the user, I think that’s a great classic SMyth element. Just because that sort of thing might come to mind for Phoenix doesn’t mean Hathor couldn’t (or shouldn’t) have such a power.
Explanation
+ E: Nice explanations! It would be kind of cool if it’s possibly to determine what the first day of the first month was in the Egyptian calendar. (According to the Wikipedia article on the Egyptian calendar, their New Year’s Day fell on July 20th on the Julian calendar in 139 CE, corresponding with the heliacal rising of the star Sirius.)
- E: I understand the impetus to use the power base to inform all areas of the character, even civilian history, but I’m not sure if this quite hit the mark, because the interpretation of “protection” ended up being “assaulting others.” Personally, I would advise not trying to base the character’s history and personality on their senshi identity, and more just developing the character as the character. Rather than trying to incorporate these specific character traits and elements, asking what sort of person has those traits, and how being that sort of a person would shape a life one way or another.
- R: - Given Dalila's disappearance, this looks like a pretty significant character arc for Femi. Did you have a plot outline in mind, or are you winging it?
Writing Sample
+ R: No problems with the writing sample.
+ E: Nice writing sample, though time jumps (first it’s earlier in the day, then it’s later, and then she goes to sleep and wakes back up) aren’t recommended, since they won’t generally be something that occurs when you’re RPing with others.