Application
Senshi: Sara Azrael Seraphim Senshi of Death
Name: Trillium Abendroth
Age: 17
Birthdate: 20th June
School/occupation: unemployed
Philosophy: Its better to be a Humble Nobody than a corrupted Somebody.
Major Npcs:
Pastor Abendroth - An avid botanist who enjoys spending time with god and his family equally teaching the outbacks town about God and his son Jesus
Mother Abendroth - A free and strong willed mother of four teaching her kids good moral values and standards with a loving and caring personality
Alate Abendroth ( Bro 1)- A quiet and shy Boy who loves to draw
Luff Abendroth (Bro 2)- An Angry and Temper ridden boy but know’s his place when things don’t seem right
Tarrace Abendroth (Bro 3)- The oldest sibling in the family. A hot headed sibling of Trill, never knowing what trouble he might get himself into. Has a thing for looking out for Trill and her well being and will not falter from this fact.
History:
Personality:
- An open Book to read, Trill isn’t afraid to share her past because their is nothing to be ashamed of.
- Has An open and caring personality,
- An environmentalist by heart. Now she isn’t one of those protesting enviro’s no sir, she’s one of those behind the scenes kind of people .This translates into the real world is when she’s finished “plonking” somewhere she will in all of her best efforts and intentions to not leave a trace of where she has been. In that sense then you could also consider Trill a “Sauberkeit Freak” for wherever she goes an imprint of her visit would not be visible.
- Trill is a bookworm who has a Penchant for books of the more informational genre. This Trait was brought upon her because her parents would often visit bookstores for reading because of the fact that out in the outback there isn’t a lot to do except reading and painting the landscape onto the canvas
- Trill’s frequent response to situations is one of caution and waiting approach to those situations that would pose more harm and to those that might get hit in the collateral.
-Trill initially doesn't “open up” to people she doesn’t know, but as time goes on she becomes more accepting of the person/group in question.
- As a side trait Trill will try anything that she deems is physically demanding or challenging (Parkour) this trait will also follow through on when she's presented a problem or challenge she will face it head on with grit determination.
- Aside from that Trill value the freedom to go where she likes without being caged and despises
the polar opposite to this fact.
Appearance:
Trill stands at six foot one. With short but long enough hair for her to tie back just so that she doesn't have to shower so often. Dark purple hair and light blue eyes set above a rather small slit like looking mouth that is showing more often than not a slight, suggestive smile (think Mona Lisa). Her build is that of a tall thin slender
like build with a rather small bust.
In the ways of clothing she gets whatever her wallet allows her to get ( which isn’t a lot considering that a majority of the time she’s only got like $20 odd) but her current attire is just a plain black t-shirt which says in big bold white font “To Phresh for You”, a pair of baggy sky blue soft denim pants and lastly Trill was quite beside herself with joy when she found a pair of Five finger shoes with a neon green coloured sole with a warm blue French grey on the topside covering the feet. Top all of this off her massive neon green day pack she has and she would
be quite the beacon for attention as you would see her walk down the streets
Fuku:
A majority of Trill’s fuku is made from a dress that comes up when standing up at its highest point half way up the leg and on the right leg it conceals a majority of flesh down to the knee. her belt is basically a half an half, consisting of hard thick leathery material which comes into contact with three rings of steel that hold her specific Bombs. The ornate symbol on her abdomen currently holds no purpose and the line work specific to her alongside the previously mentioned also serves no functional purpose at this time. The blue collar just serves to disguise where the torso ends and the where the neck begins. The hood covering the head is made from the same material as the rest of the “dress”. And finally the mask, the mask on the y axis has a line that comes around the face to just stop where the ends on the face then continuing from this are 3 stripes in grey.
Transformation:
To transform Trill mutters under her breath “azrael be bound to me” while wearing the mask, shadows engulf her quickly leaving nothing of existence quickly then reappearing fully suited up, as the process finishes the shadows get sucked up into her now augmented arms.
Her transformation item is the mask.
Powers:
Spring Loaded Arms - Basically when they are fully extended they function as normal arms but when reeled back they can provide a quite a powerful wallop. the chains that surround the spring and chamber just server as means to that the arms don't fly off, maybe at time in the future they’ll provide a greater purpose at a later date
Sound vacuum bombs/grenades: the main purpose of these bombs is to effectively mask the sound induced by the user onto the victims while the user still has hearing within a bubble of 10x10 metres and stays persistent for 10 minutes, multiple bombs can be used to extend this effect
5 steps are masked then 1 isn’t then 4 then 1 again isn’t etc
Can be stolen of her belt and be used against her
if all are stolen and/or used then one regenerates during her slumber each night
Explanation:
The name Trillium was found while trawling through a word gen XD
azrael seemed to go best with what i had already drawn what with his name being associated with death
and death leading to silence. Most if not all were inspired by my own artwork aside from the eye which took inspiration from a dev called banditPercy
Refer to the wiki page
Riffian men of morocco
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Azrael
(GM note: Writing sample separate.)
Name: Trillium Abendroth
Age: 17
Birthdate: 20th June
School/occupation: unemployed
Philosophy: Its better to be a Humble Nobody than a corrupted Somebody.
Major Npcs:
Pastor Abendroth - An avid botanist who enjoys spending time with god and his family equally teaching the outbacks town about God and his son Jesus
Mother Abendroth - A free and strong willed mother of four teaching her kids good moral values and standards with a loving and caring personality
Alate Abendroth ( Bro 1)- A quiet and shy Boy who loves to draw
Luff Abendroth (Bro 2)- An Angry and Temper ridden boy but know’s his place when things don’t seem right
Tarrace Abendroth (Bro 3)- The oldest sibling in the family. A hot headed sibling of Trill, never knowing what trouble he might get himself into. Has a thing for looking out for Trill and her well being and will not falter from this fact.
History:
- Trillium was born to a family of missionaries on the sun kissed dunes of the Simpson Desert on a June solstice.
- Trills Parents are big botanical fanatics but that ideal did not rub off onto their children aside from Trillium's name (refer to dictionary def)
- Trill Was homeschooled with the help of the Australian syllabus and the correct books required to do so
- Trill has three brothers all with their own personalities and how they perceive and go about life
- From a Young age, Trill’s parents made it an imperative that as coherent unit to not leave a trace, as a result to get the kids motivated to do so the parents made a game out of it. The game was for every bit of rubbish collected the kids would receive a Lolly each for each piece collected.
- Trill’s family travels around in a massive camper/bus around and over the dunes going by road when needed
- Trill’s Family would stop frequently in towns to restock and look for new and interesting material to read over
- During one of their raids on a particular bookstore, Trillium came across a book called “profiles of the archangels” and took a special liking when she read over Azrael’s profile:
- Azrael: Azraels purpose is to assist those specific on the transition from physical life to spirit life and to make it as painless as possible
- Trillium took a special liking to this book she had found and pestered her father to buy it for her. Succumbing to her daughters wishes he bought it for her, now and along time more she read and on a regular basis referred to her conversations back to this book.
- By this time Trill is 17.
- As Time went on, life for Trill was becoming bored with her routine, these thoughts of boredom swirl around her head as the family camper rolls into another town
- Trill wants to go to New York because she wants to go see the “Big apple”
- Trill at one point during her travels with her family, realizes that in-order for her to get a ticket to get to NYC she’s going to have to get a job that pays a decent wage
- She puts these ideas before her parents, who initially are surprised that she even wants to leave Australia and go to NYC. Following these feeling of Surprisement, had then quickly led to worry for what would happen to Trill while over in NYC
- A family meeting was brought into action that very same day to discuss Trills intentions of wanting to go over to NYC
- To cut a long story short, the family agrees as a whole to let Trill go to NYC on the condition that she brings one of her brothers along too and to keep in contact with them as often as needed (the family left behind in Australia preferred if Trill and call in at least once a week)
- Tarrace the eldest sibling, had elected himself to go and accompany her on her trip.
- All necessary arrangements were made such as cash which totalled, not including the airfare to roughly about $1500 in total, $750 each.
- A Week had passed since her arrival in NYC, and she had by now settled in nicely in a local nearby park with her Brother Tarrace. Sleeping in her Swag (A one man Tent).
Personality:
- An open Book to read, Trill isn’t afraid to share her past because their is nothing to be ashamed of.
- Has An open and caring personality,
- An environmentalist by heart. Now she isn’t one of those protesting enviro’s no sir, she’s one of those behind the scenes kind of people .This translates into the real world is when she’s finished “plonking” somewhere she will in all of her best efforts and intentions to not leave a trace of where she has been. In that sense then you could also consider Trill a “Sauberkeit Freak” for wherever she goes an imprint of her visit would not be visible.
- Trill is a bookworm who has a Penchant for books of the more informational genre. This Trait was brought upon her because her parents would often visit bookstores for reading because of the fact that out in the outback there isn’t a lot to do except reading and painting the landscape onto the canvas
- Trill’s frequent response to situations is one of caution and waiting approach to those situations that would pose more harm and to those that might get hit in the collateral.
-Trill initially doesn't “open up” to people she doesn’t know, but as time goes on she becomes more accepting of the person/group in question.
- As a side trait Trill will try anything that she deems is physically demanding or challenging (Parkour) this trait will also follow through on when she's presented a problem or challenge she will face it head on with grit determination.
- Aside from that Trill value the freedom to go where she likes without being caged and despises
the polar opposite to this fact.
Appearance:
Trill stands at six foot one. With short but long enough hair for her to tie back just so that she doesn't have to shower so often. Dark purple hair and light blue eyes set above a rather small slit like looking mouth that is showing more often than not a slight, suggestive smile (think Mona Lisa). Her build is that of a tall thin slender
like build with a rather small bust.
In the ways of clothing she gets whatever her wallet allows her to get ( which isn’t a lot considering that a majority of the time she’s only got like $20 odd) but her current attire is just a plain black t-shirt which says in big bold white font “To Phresh for You”, a pair of baggy sky blue soft denim pants and lastly Trill was quite beside herself with joy when she found a pair of Five finger shoes with a neon green coloured sole with a warm blue French grey on the topside covering the feet. Top all of this off her massive neon green day pack she has and she would
be quite the beacon for attention as you would see her walk down the streets
Fuku:
A majority of Trill’s fuku is made from a dress that comes up when standing up at its highest point half way up the leg and on the right leg it conceals a majority of flesh down to the knee. her belt is basically a half an half, consisting of hard thick leathery material which comes into contact with three rings of steel that hold her specific Bombs. The ornate symbol on her abdomen currently holds no purpose and the line work specific to her alongside the previously mentioned also serves no functional purpose at this time. The blue collar just serves to disguise where the torso ends and the where the neck begins. The hood covering the head is made from the same material as the rest of the “dress”. And finally the mask, the mask on the y axis has a line that comes around the face to just stop where the ends on the face then continuing from this are 3 stripes in grey.
Transformation:
To transform Trill mutters under her breath “azrael be bound to me” while wearing the mask, shadows engulf her quickly leaving nothing of existence quickly then reappearing fully suited up, as the process finishes the shadows get sucked up into her now augmented arms.
Her transformation item is the mask.
Powers:
Spring Loaded Arms - Basically when they are fully extended they function as normal arms but when reeled back they can provide a quite a powerful wallop. the chains that surround the spring and chamber just server as means to that the arms don't fly off, maybe at time in the future they’ll provide a greater purpose at a later date
Sound vacuum bombs/grenades: the main purpose of these bombs is to effectively mask the sound induced by the user onto the victims while the user still has hearing within a bubble of 10x10 metres and stays persistent for 10 minutes, multiple bombs can be used to extend this effect
5 steps are masked then 1 isn’t then 4 then 1 again isn’t etc
Can be stolen of her belt and be used against her
if all are stolen and/or used then one regenerates during her slumber each night
Explanation:
The name Trillium was found while trawling through a word gen XD
azrael seemed to go best with what i had already drawn what with his name being associated with death
and death leading to silence. Most if not all were inspired by my own artwork aside from the eye which took inspiration from a dev called banditPercy
Refer to the wiki page
Riffian men of morocco
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Azrael
(GM note: Writing sample separate.)
Results
I know some of the technical writing aspects were something of a struggle, but the important thing is the core concepts of your character work well. There's a consistent quirkiness to her background and personality, some great reasoning, and overall it's a really unique and believable character. Having someone who has basically just arrived in NYC under a tourist visa (and will probably overstay that visa) is very realistic, but it's the sort of thing that wouldn't occur to 99% of people. The fuku design is cool, the powers are unusual and inventive,
The verdict is Accept with Revision with one caveat. Requested revisions are indicated below with an asterisk. The caveat is that I'd like to have you revisit some of the writing on the application in six months or so for further polish, once you've gotten more technical experience under your belt.
NPCs
* Might be good to add the ages of her brothers at least -- particularly Tarrace, who has accompanied her to NYC.
Personality
- Coming from such a religious family, what are Trillium's views on other religious beliefs? What about people who don't believe in any religion?
Fuku
* It occurs to me I mentioned angel-izing the fuku at an earlier point and that this still needs to happen a bit. Add in some element(s) to evoke the angel aspect so that it's clear from looking at Azrael that she belongs to the Seraphim team.
* Also realized there isn't description of her arms and legs in this section. A sentence or two about the appearance of her arms would be good, and mention the fact she's barefoot (just so it's stated in writing). :)
Powers
- To be clear: the effect of the grenade/bomb is that it makes the target(s) unable to hear the person who throws the grenade? (If so, it's fine as stated. If not, some revision needed.)
* I think the "5 steps are masked then 1 isn’t then 4 then 1 again isn’t etc" line needs to be explained; I can't recall what it refers to. Was it the way that the effect wears off?
Explanation
- Might be worth stating precisely how and why the Riffian men details pertains to Azrael's powers in the explanation section so people not privy to our previous correspondence can understand it. :)
- Could you link to the specific inspiration from BanditPercy if possible?
Writing Sample
- Going into the game, there are three things I'd like you to focus on initially.
The verdict is Accept with Revision with one caveat. Requested revisions are indicated below with an asterisk. The caveat is that I'd like to have you revisit some of the writing on the application in six months or so for further polish, once you've gotten more technical experience under your belt.
NPCs
* Might be good to add the ages of her brothers at least -- particularly Tarrace, who has accompanied her to NYC.
Personality
- Coming from such a religious family, what are Trillium's views on other religious beliefs? What about people who don't believe in any religion?
Fuku
* It occurs to me I mentioned angel-izing the fuku at an earlier point and that this still needs to happen a bit. Add in some element(s) to evoke the angel aspect so that it's clear from looking at Azrael that she belongs to the Seraphim team.
* Also realized there isn't description of her arms and legs in this section. A sentence or two about the appearance of her arms would be good, and mention the fact she's barefoot (just so it's stated in writing). :)
Powers
- To be clear: the effect of the grenade/bomb is that it makes the target(s) unable to hear the person who throws the grenade? (If so, it's fine as stated. If not, some revision needed.)
* I think the "5 steps are masked then 1 isn’t then 4 then 1 again isn’t etc" line needs to be explained; I can't recall what it refers to. Was it the way that the effect wears off?
Explanation
- Might be worth stating precisely how and why the Riffian men details pertains to Azrael's powers in the explanation section so people not privy to our previous correspondence can understand it. :)
- Could you link to the specific inspiration from BanditPercy if possible?
Writing Sample
- Going into the game, there are three things I'd like you to focus on initially.
- Description - When RPing, a bit more description would be good. You don't need to describe everything all the time (sometimes shorter is better, particularly when characters are exchanging dialogue) but a few more descriptive details will help communicate what's going on to players you're RPing with and improve the pacing. The descriptive bits you had in both writing samples (the sample attached to the application and the story with Shilkin) were good, I'd just like to see those elements expanded upon in the game. Things you might consider when writing description are what your character is seeing, doing, or what is happening in the environment.
- Capitalization - Particularly proper nouns (names of people and specific places), but also getting in the habit of doing the first letter of every sentence when you'r RPing with folks. :)
- The Edit - When stories you've participated in go on the website, look and see what changes might have occurred during the editing process. (Don't feel like you need to do a word for word comparison, just take a look at a few paragraphs.) This can help serve as a barometer of your progress over the course of the game, too, since eventually there'll be less changes in the edit phase.