Application
Sailor Shu
Name: Lug
Meaning: Air
Age: 14 years old
Birthdate: 20 April
School/Job: self-teach and cleans in the do-jo where she live
Major NPCs:
Adopted Mother: Honey (real Name Sam and is a boy)
Adopted Father: Kia
Brother/sister: none.
History:
Lug was born in Africa she never knew her mom and dad and was taken in by a tribe of girls, as years past people had been saying that she was acted like a boy and this was the one rule in the tribe, they took her to Egypt hoping that one of the great teaches could help but they all failed.
One nights some thieves came to the tent Lug and her tribe were sleeping in and they attacked and all of the people of the tribe were kill in front of Lug. They turned to her this was end she took one last breath and wait for the coming pain. Then a wind protected her from death bring the dust up hiding her from sight.
Lug started to open her eye and she saw a golden feather not really thing she grabbed it and yelled, ‘I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.’ The air wrapped itself around her and a the feather started to glow and she changed in to sailor Shu for the first time. When the dust cleared all the thieves were still there Lug growled in a way. ‘ You took the air from the once that need it, you shall pay for take the air of others.’ With that air started to twist around the thieves and pull then in to the sky dropping from great heights knocking them all out.
After this happened she had no friends no family and every one were scared of her people said she kill her whole tribe when she was asleep so she does not remember this was hurting Lug some much getting told she was a murder.
After a two mouth she got sick of it and went off, one night she had dream of a place called New York and felt like she need to go there so using the wind of Shu she went to New York.
After a four mouths in New York and living its trees she was adopted by two loving parents which were two boys Honey and Kia they both want a kid but because they were both by they were unable to and they did not have much money to adopt one so when they saw Lug they adopted her. They brought her to there home a Do-jo and time to time she would join in and teach some of the kids if her parents were doing something else but she would clean most of the time.
Personality:
Lug acts like a boy for some reason and no one knows why she can get angry fast some time and some time it lead to a fight, but she is mostly calm and sweet. She would be very protective of others and does not take bulling easy.
Lug does a lot of work but she loves it some much because she can forget her past, she would teach kids to fight and protect them self but when she is not doing that or cleaning the Do-Jo she would be outside playing like any other kid she would go to the trees and listen to the great winds because it was the only real friend she had all the time.
Ever one in the Do-Jo is Lug friends but her best friends that hang with her when she is not in trees is PJ, Jade and Katy. People found Lug to be crazy and would always pick on her for being a Tomboy but slowly she made the best friends in the world.
Her dislike bullies, pollution (which make it hard her to do her attacks and to breath because of astma). She likes her friends and family the wind and trees.
Appearance:
Short brown hair is some time strait but can get curly. She would tie it up time to time but like it all out. Her eyes are a stormy blue. Height: 167 cm, Weight: 132 Ib. she like to wear a dress every once and while because of tribe but normal wears shirts and pants and sometime a skirts.
Fuku:
I have a pic DA
fav.me/d6viv9p
Transforamtion:
‘I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.’ She would spin around making a twister and would change in to her sailor suit.
Powers:
Power one:
‘You took the air from the once that need it, you shall pay for take the air of others.’ A twister would go around the person and left them in to great high (depending on how angry Lug is) and would knock out the person or kill if Lug want. She can use as much as she want as long as there is air.
Power two:
‘To the skies to the earth the great winds protect the one in need.’ The wind would go around Lug and any one else she want and well protect them from most attacks, it also removes the air from the outside to stop the attacker stop or move away. This attack can be done 5 times in one battle and the will stand depending on how strong Lug is.
Expalanation:
Writing sample:
‘what am I going to do I have been running for too long I need to start over again.’ Lug thought to her self. “Oh Shu please give me something so I may help others.” She said as she looked to the sky hoping the Shu would hear her. She sat down and play in the sand dinging a hole just for fun then the wind started to push. “Ok ok I am up what is it.” She said getting up and let the wind push her where it wanted her. After a bit of getting push Lug saw a lake and trees. “Thanks.” She said looking in to the sky. She ran and jumped in to the lake with taking off her clothes. After a few hours Lug was laying under the trees asleep.
In the dream.
Lug was walking around a city there was no wind and she had a feeling there was no air as well, Shu appeared in front of her. “This is the place you must go to.” He said
“A dead city?” she asked.
“No this is New York or the way I see it.” He said with a bit of a chuckle.
“so you want me to go to this New York?”
“Yes you can help others and start a new life for getting about the old.” Lug smiled forgetting all that’s happen in the last few mouth has really change her, she acted like a girl from time to time.
“ok I well do it.” She smiled everything went black and Lug started to open her eyes slowly. ‘New York hmm.’
“I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.” She shouted and she changed in to sailor Shu. She slowly lifted her hand she started to fly. “ok Shu take me to New York.” She said to the skies. The wind started to push her to New York.
After a few hours she made it to New York, she had been walking around for about an hour or so and the city looked like what Shu showed her it was just more air. She walked around for a bit and found a park she looked to the sky and sure how late it was.
“I guess this is my new home.” She said as she jumped in to a tree when she got up she felt like she was not alone she looked around. ‘I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.’ She whispered.
She looked over below the trees she saw people just like her but with different looks. ‘oh no.’ she thought to her self-hiding back in to the leafs. She quickly changed back to her normal self and laid on a branch. ‘I hope you were right bring me here Shu.’ She thought as she close her eye and drifted in to sleep.
Name: Lug
Meaning: Air
Age: 14 years old
Birthdate: 20 April
School/Job: self-teach and cleans in the do-jo where she live
Major NPCs:
Adopted Mother: Honey (real Name Sam and is a boy)
Adopted Father: Kia
Brother/sister: none.
History:
Lug was born in Africa she never knew her mom and dad and was taken in by a tribe of girls, as years past people had been saying that she was acted like a boy and this was the one rule in the tribe, they took her to Egypt hoping that one of the great teaches could help but they all failed.
One nights some thieves came to the tent Lug and her tribe were sleeping in and they attacked and all of the people of the tribe were kill in front of Lug. They turned to her this was end she took one last breath and wait for the coming pain. Then a wind protected her from death bring the dust up hiding her from sight.
Lug started to open her eye and she saw a golden feather not really thing she grabbed it and yelled, ‘I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.’ The air wrapped itself around her and a the feather started to glow and she changed in to sailor Shu for the first time. When the dust cleared all the thieves were still there Lug growled in a way. ‘ You took the air from the once that need it, you shall pay for take the air of others.’ With that air started to twist around the thieves and pull then in to the sky dropping from great heights knocking them all out.
After this happened she had no friends no family and every one were scared of her people said she kill her whole tribe when she was asleep so she does not remember this was hurting Lug some much getting told she was a murder.
After a two mouth she got sick of it and went off, one night she had dream of a place called New York and felt like she need to go there so using the wind of Shu she went to New York.
After a four mouths in New York and living its trees she was adopted by two loving parents which were two boys Honey and Kia they both want a kid but because they were both by they were unable to and they did not have much money to adopt one so when they saw Lug they adopted her. They brought her to there home a Do-jo and time to time she would join in and teach some of the kids if her parents were doing something else but she would clean most of the time.
Personality:
Lug acts like a boy for some reason and no one knows why she can get angry fast some time and some time it lead to a fight, but she is mostly calm and sweet. She would be very protective of others and does not take bulling easy.
Lug does a lot of work but she loves it some much because she can forget her past, she would teach kids to fight and protect them self but when she is not doing that or cleaning the Do-Jo she would be outside playing like any other kid she would go to the trees and listen to the great winds because it was the only real friend she had all the time.
Ever one in the Do-Jo is Lug friends but her best friends that hang with her when she is not in trees is PJ, Jade and Katy. People found Lug to be crazy and would always pick on her for being a Tomboy but slowly she made the best friends in the world.
Her dislike bullies, pollution (which make it hard her to do her attacks and to breath because of astma). She likes her friends and family the wind and trees.
Appearance:
Short brown hair is some time strait but can get curly. She would tie it up time to time but like it all out. Her eyes are a stormy blue. Height: 167 cm, Weight: 132 Ib. she like to wear a dress every once and while because of tribe but normal wears shirts and pants and sometime a skirts.
Fuku:
I have a pic DA
fav.me/d6viv9p
Transforamtion:
‘I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.’ She would spin around making a twister and would change in to her sailor suit.
Powers:
Power one:
‘You took the air from the once that need it, you shall pay for take the air of others.’ A twister would go around the person and left them in to great high (depending on how angry Lug is) and would knock out the person or kill if Lug want. She can use as much as she want as long as there is air.
Power two:
‘To the skies to the earth the great winds protect the one in need.’ The wind would go around Lug and any one else she want and well protect them from most attacks, it also removes the air from the outside to stop the attacker stop or move away. This attack can be done 5 times in one battle and the will stand depending on how strong Lug is.
Expalanation:
Writing sample:
‘what am I going to do I have been running for too long I need to start over again.’ Lug thought to her self. “Oh Shu please give me something so I may help others.” She said as she looked to the sky hoping the Shu would hear her. She sat down and play in the sand dinging a hole just for fun then the wind started to push. “Ok ok I am up what is it.” She said getting up and let the wind push her where it wanted her. After a bit of getting push Lug saw a lake and trees. “Thanks.” She said looking in to the sky. She ran and jumped in to the lake with taking off her clothes. After a few hours Lug was laying under the trees asleep.
In the dream.
Lug was walking around a city there was no wind and she had a feeling there was no air as well, Shu appeared in front of her. “This is the place you must go to.” He said
“A dead city?” she asked.
“No this is New York or the way I see it.” He said with a bit of a chuckle.
“so you want me to go to this New York?”
“Yes you can help others and start a new life for getting about the old.” Lug smiled forgetting all that’s happen in the last few mouth has really change her, she acted like a girl from time to time.
“ok I well do it.” She smiled everything went black and Lug started to open her eyes slowly. ‘New York hmm.’
“I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.” She shouted and she changed in to sailor Shu. She slowly lifted her hand she started to fly. “ok Shu take me to New York.” She said to the skies. The wind started to push her to New York.
After a few hours she made it to New York, she had been walking around for about an hour or so and the city looked like what Shu showed her it was just more air. She walked around for a bit and found a park she looked to the sky and sure how late it was.
“I guess this is my new home.” She said as she jumped in to a tree when she got up she felt like she was not alone she looked around. ‘I call the great winds of the world of the Great god of air, Shu. Please give me the power to protect those who breathe the air you bring.’ She whispered.
She looked over below the trees she saw people just like her but with different looks. ‘oh no.’ she thought to her self-hiding back in to the leafs. She quickly changed back to her normal self and laid on a branch. ‘I hope you were right bring me here Shu.’ She thought as she close her eye and drifted in to sleep.
Results
Thank you very much for applying. You have some good ideas, but there are numerous grammar issues throughout the application. I am not sure your writing skill is at a level where you can participate in the game at this time. Additionally, your character doesn't have enough explanation in her background. The verdict is Reject.
If you are interested in reapplying at some point in the future, my advice would be to do a lot of reading of third person fiction books, like Harry Potter, Narnia, The Giver, anything by Raold Dahl, and From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler (to name just a few). Reading is the best way to improve your writing. :) I would also recommend running your application through Microsoft Word for both grammar and spelling. While Microsoft Word isn't always 100% perfect on grammar, it can at least be a good starting point to help you figure out problem areas.
Detailed review follows. (*) indicates character concept issues that would require revision before reconsideration, (-) indicates minor character issues and technical issues.
Civilian Info
* What is Lug's last name?
* What language is the name?
* Please briefly describe Shu's family. What are her adoptive mother and father like? What do they do for a living? (Just general information, a sentence or two.) What is their surname?
History
* What was the tribe called? Why did Lug need to be taken in? (Were her parents killed or did they just not want her?) In what part of Africa was the tribe located? How did there come to be a tribe of women in that region?
* Why did they take her to Egypt? What sort of teachers were approached? What problems were the teachers supposed to solve? Why were the teachers unsuccessful?
* Who were the thieves and where did they come from? How were they armed? Why did they target Lug's tribe?
- While you can have your senshi transform before being awakened by a guardian in this sort of situation, you cannot obtain your transformation item or phrase until meeting a guardian. (So, for a pre-guardian transformation, your character should transform without item or phrase.)
- I think the sentence should be, "You took the air from the ones that needed it! You shall pay for taking the air of others."
* If there were no survivors from her tribe, why did everyone believe Lug killed the other tribes members and not the thieves?
- Several paragraphs start with the word "after." Consider revising for redundancy.
- Months, not mouths.
* How did she get to New York alone, particularly at her age?
* Where is this dojo located? What is it like? What kind of martial arts training do they offer? What does Lug know that she teaches other children, and where did she learn it?
Personality
* While Lug might display traits which could be stereotyped as masculine, personality traits aren't really boy-like or girl-like. A man might be gentle, a woman might be violent. A man might like flowers, a woman might like sports. Therefore, be specific: in what way does Lug act like a (tom)boy?
* What sort of things make her angry?
- Again, where did Lug learn to fight?
- Describe her best friends in the Major NPCs section (in the Civilian Info, with her family)
+ Asthma is an excellent idea for an air-based senshi! It might be good to mention it in her history, explaining when it was first discovered she had asthma, and what effect it has had on her life.
+ Listening to the wind is another good trait and is something worth expandinon.
* Personality is a bit short. Think about events that happened in Lug's past and how they would impact her personality.
Appearance
* What is her skin color? How long is her hair?
- What are her distinguishing characterstics? What is her face shape, eye shape, nose shape, ear size? What shade of brown is her hair -- dark, medium, light? What are the visual characteristics that make her unique from everyone else?
- What is her fashion sense? What style of outfits does she go for? Does she favor bright colors, a muted palette? Are her clothes often new or second-hand?
Fuku
* While images are a good visual aid, we do still require written fuku description.
+ Very cute pic! I'd suggest adding some more senshi-oriented Egyptian detail, like a collar. Her hands are covered, does she have gloves?
Transformation
* What is her transformation item?
- This is a very long transformation phrase, please consider something shorter.
Powers
* How big is this twister? How high exactly can it lift a person? How long does it last? It only targets one person, correct?
* You cannot have powers that kill your opponents. Additionally, all attacks must have usage restriction. (So she cannot use a power this big as much as she wants.)
* What kinds of attacks does the wind protect from, and what powers does it not protect against? How long does it last?
- I don't understand the removal of the air outside. Please clarify this aspect of the power.
- Five times is a lot, consider maybe three per day or something similar.
Writing Sample
- Capitalize the first letter of each sentence, even in speech.
- There are some issues with dialogue punctuation. The proper format is this: "I'm going to the store," she said.
- In Sailor Myth, the gods are senshi, meaning your character is Shu. It doesn't make sense to have Lug talking to Shu in the writing sample as if Shu were a separate entity.
* If your character can fly, that counts as a power and should be in the Powers section. (Even if she can fly in senshi form, I don't think she could reasonably fly across the Atlantic Ocean.)
If you are interested in reapplying at some point in the future, my advice would be to do a lot of reading of third person fiction books, like Harry Potter, Narnia, The Giver, anything by Raold Dahl, and From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler (to name just a few). Reading is the best way to improve your writing. :) I would also recommend running your application through Microsoft Word for both grammar and spelling. While Microsoft Word isn't always 100% perfect on grammar, it can at least be a good starting point to help you figure out problem areas.
Detailed review follows. (*) indicates character concept issues that would require revision before reconsideration, (-) indicates minor character issues and technical issues.
Civilian Info
* What is Lug's last name?
* What language is the name?
* Please briefly describe Shu's family. What are her adoptive mother and father like? What do they do for a living? (Just general information, a sentence or two.) What is their surname?
History
* What was the tribe called? Why did Lug need to be taken in? (Were her parents killed or did they just not want her?) In what part of Africa was the tribe located? How did there come to be a tribe of women in that region?
* Why did they take her to Egypt? What sort of teachers were approached? What problems were the teachers supposed to solve? Why were the teachers unsuccessful?
* Who were the thieves and where did they come from? How were they armed? Why did they target Lug's tribe?
- While you can have your senshi transform before being awakened by a guardian in this sort of situation, you cannot obtain your transformation item or phrase until meeting a guardian. (So, for a pre-guardian transformation, your character should transform without item or phrase.)
- I think the sentence should be, "You took the air from the ones that needed it! You shall pay for taking the air of others."
* If there were no survivors from her tribe, why did everyone believe Lug killed the other tribes members and not the thieves?
- Several paragraphs start with the word "after." Consider revising for redundancy.
- Months, not mouths.
* How did she get to New York alone, particularly at her age?
* Where is this dojo located? What is it like? What kind of martial arts training do they offer? What does Lug know that she teaches other children, and where did she learn it?
Personality
* While Lug might display traits which could be stereotyped as masculine, personality traits aren't really boy-like or girl-like. A man might be gentle, a woman might be violent. A man might like flowers, a woman might like sports. Therefore, be specific: in what way does Lug act like a (tom)boy?
* What sort of things make her angry?
- Again, where did Lug learn to fight?
- Describe her best friends in the Major NPCs section (in the Civilian Info, with her family)
+ Asthma is an excellent idea for an air-based senshi! It might be good to mention it in her history, explaining when it was first discovered she had asthma, and what effect it has had on her life.
+ Listening to the wind is another good trait and is something worth expandinon.
* Personality is a bit short. Think about events that happened in Lug's past and how they would impact her personality.
Appearance
* What is her skin color? How long is her hair?
- What are her distinguishing characterstics? What is her face shape, eye shape, nose shape, ear size? What shade of brown is her hair -- dark, medium, light? What are the visual characteristics that make her unique from everyone else?
- What is her fashion sense? What style of outfits does she go for? Does she favor bright colors, a muted palette? Are her clothes often new or second-hand?
Fuku
* While images are a good visual aid, we do still require written fuku description.
+ Very cute pic! I'd suggest adding some more senshi-oriented Egyptian detail, like a collar. Her hands are covered, does she have gloves?
Transformation
* What is her transformation item?
- This is a very long transformation phrase, please consider something shorter.
Powers
* How big is this twister? How high exactly can it lift a person? How long does it last? It only targets one person, correct?
* You cannot have powers that kill your opponents. Additionally, all attacks must have usage restriction. (So she cannot use a power this big as much as she wants.)
* What kinds of attacks does the wind protect from, and what powers does it not protect against? How long does it last?
- I don't understand the removal of the air outside. Please clarify this aspect of the power.
- Five times is a lot, consider maybe three per day or something similar.
Writing Sample
- Capitalize the first letter of each sentence, even in speech.
- There are some issues with dialogue punctuation. The proper format is this: "I'm going to the store," she said.
- In Sailor Myth, the gods are senshi, meaning your character is Shu. It doesn't make sense to have Lug talking to Shu in the writing sample as if Shu were a separate entity.
* If your character can fly, that counts as a power and should be in the Powers section. (Even if she can fly in senshi form, I don't think she could reasonably fly across the Atlantic Ocean.)