Application
Senshi: Sailor Artemis, Theos, Senshi of the Hunt
Name: Alina Winter
Meaning: -
Age: 13
Birthdate: March 15th
School/Occupation: Latinate Academy, grade 7
Major NPCs:
- Paul Winter: Alina’s dad: He is 54 and works in the diplomatic corps of Switzerland
- Mirjam Winter (deceased): Alina’s mother, she died 10 years ago at the age of 42.
- Evelyne deVries: Sister of Paul Winter and aunt of Alina. She is married to Victor deVries – an artist living in New York.
History
Alina was born in Zürich, Switzerland, a bit more than 14 years ago to Paul and Mirjam Winter. They both had long wished to have a baby. They almost had given up the hope when Mirjam got pregnant with Alina. Her parents were overjoyed when Alina was born on March 15th. The first few years were happy and uneventful; Alina’s parents doted on their little girl.
However shortly after her 3rd birthday her mother got diagnosed with cancer. She had to go the hospital several times. During those times her dad took care of Alina despite his work as a diplomat for Switzerland’s ministry of foreign affairs. Despite their best efforts the doctors couldn’t cure Alina’s mother. Mirjam Winter died a few weeks before Christmas. In those dark times, Alina spent most of her time at her grandparents who looked after the little girl. They spent a lot of time in the near forest, a place where the young girl seemed to feel at home.
The death of her mother drastically changed Alina’s life. Her heartbroken father continued to work for the ministry of foreign affairs and he begun to spend more and more time at work. He obviously had a hard time to cope with the death of his wife. Luckily Alina’s grandparents (the parents of her dad) didn’t live far away and she begun to spend more and more time at their house. There were times when she didn’t see her dad more than once on the weekend. After a few months her Dad found back into life and they saw each other more often. Life continued, Alina started school and soon made friends with a few other girls. She didn’t have many friends, but those she had could consider her a loyal friend. Alina was a wild child, one that loved to be outside, especially in the forest. Alina was a great friend of animals. Some weeks after her eighth birthday she even came home with two young bunnies and insisted that they stay with her till they were old enough to life on their own. Her dad and her grandparents weren’t very happy about that, but after some begging, agreed.
Alina’s favourite time of the year was the summer. Summer not only meant no school, but also hot temperatures, plenty of time to swim, to spend in the forest and with her friends. After her 10th birthday summer also meant summer camp. The best two weeks of the year, two weeks of camping in the forest, filled with different workshops and adventures. Her favourite workshop was archery. There she learnt how to make a bow and arrows but also how to shoot with them.
The years passed and the young girl started to blossom into a young woman. Alina still didn’t see her dad much as he still worked a lot. They never really talked about Alina’s mother, they both new that the other one missed her, without having to say it. That her dad was absent a lot, made the relationship difficult between them. However Alina never had a doubt that he loved her deeply, he always found time for her when she needed to talk to him. Luckily she had her grandparents who looked after her, and her friends from school with which she spent a lot of time as well. Even without her mother and her dad often absent, Alina was happy, she had her grandparents, her friends and a forest nearby to explore.
Alina was a good student, a curious girl that was always interested in learning something new. Often she could be found behind a book, reading and lost in other worlds. Although Alina now was almost a teenager, she still spent a lot of time in the forest. The forest was her sanctuary, the place she went to when she needed time for herself. Her friends teased her that she spends more time in the forest then with flirting with boys. Alina just shrugged of those comments, as she wasn’t that much interested in boys.
It came as a big surprise to her when her Dad a few weeks before her 14th birthday announced that he’ll move to New York. He would work for Switzerland’s embassy there and he intended to take Alina with him. Once again Alina’s live changed drastically. She had to pack all her stuff, say goodbye to all her friends, her grandparents and to the forest she loved so much. The young girl soon found herself in New York. A city in a country she only had read of, or seen in TV and far away from any forests. A few weeks have passed since then and Alina is starting to feel at home in New York. Her favourite places there are – unsurprisingly – the various parks.
Personality
Some people think that Alina is a shy girl, but that’s not entirely true, she just has a tendency to be a bit reserved towards strangers or people she doesn’t like. She is always polite and eager to help anyone who needs her help. Her family and friends experience her as a fun and keen girl, one that likes to be among her family and friends. She is very loyal towards her friends and always tries to keep her promises. Although Alina never got to know her mother closely she still misses her, something that she hides deep inside, together with –probably irrational – fear to also lose her dad.
Alina is known for her rather short temper and her impulsiveness. She has a tendency not to think her actions through beforehand. Alina has a strong sense of justice and doesn’t have a problem with standing up to defend her beliefs. Alina has a slight fear of height. Climbing up a tree? No problem, but flying in a plane make her nervous. She feels most comfortable on the ground or close to it.
Alina is a fun loving girl, one that loves to fool around. Her favourite hobbies are: spending time in the forest, hanging out with her friends and reading. While she is an intelligent girl, one that earns to learn new things she doesn’t have an idea yet what she wants to be later. Maybe something outside, something scientific or something with kids? Alina doesn’t know it yet.
Appearance
Alina is with 167cm rather tall for a girl her age. Although her feminine curves have already started to develop, her slim body makes her still look more like a girl than a woman. The time she spends outside pays off as she only weights 54kg. Alina has shoulder length blond hair which she either wears open or in a ponytail. She has light grey eyes and sometimes her counterparts have the impression that they sparkle in the sun. Overall she has a cute face, however when she smiles her braces can be seen. At times Alina can be quite a tomboy, especially when she goes into the forest: old and used jeans, a far too big t-shirt and trekking shoes a prefect for that purpose. For school and hanging out with her friends she prefers to dress casually in jeans, t-shirt and/or a hoodie combined with comfortable sneakers. Usually she doesn’t apply make-up and only wears jewellery only for special occasions.
Fuku
Basically Sailor Artemis’ Fuku is a mixture between a chiton and a Greek armor made of different shades of green fabric. The upper part is almost like the upper part of a classical female chiton, only a bit tighter than the Greeks used to wear it. It’s hold together with a ribbon that ends with a large bow in the back.
The lower part is derived from the lower part of a typical Greek armor. The leather stripes that are supposed to protect the thighs have been visually combined with the underlying fabric into a skirt covering the upper part of the thighs. The Fuku is completed with Greek/Roman style sandals with 3-inch heels.
The Fuku sports a bow-shaped brooch on her left shoulder. Her hairstyle changes into two braids. A tiara with a green emerald and filigree earrings made of silver and small tear shaped emeralds at the bottom complete the Fuku.
The upper part is like the upper part here with the difference that the fabric is hold together with a bow in the back:
http://breannacooke.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/01_howtomakeagreekchiton.jpg?w=225&h=300
The skirt is just similar to this: The leather stripes are brown and a bit smaller, the fabric is green: http://img1.etsystatic.com/014/1/6056947/il_340x270.414162923_jj7v.jpg
Transformation
The phrase “Sailor Artemis I’m calling you to hunt and protect!” initiates the transformation into Sailor Artemis. Light in the colour of the rainbow surrounds her and lifts her up in the air, where Alina starts to spin a few times around herself, while the transformation happens. First Alina’s body transforms slightly, growing some muscles to support her in fights, her hair grows a bit and changes into braids. Afterwards the clothes and shoes transform into Sailor Artemis’ Fuku and last – but not least – the quiver and her bow appear over her shoulders. The light vanishes and Sailor Artemis drops to the ground.
Powers
Weapon: A simple silver longbow featuring few ornaments and a quiver full of arrows made of a wooden tail and iron heads. As the senshi of the Hunt, Sailor Artemis carries a bow. The arrows are – while made out of wood and iron – magical objects. Alina’s transformation into Sailor Artemis doesn’t give her proficiency in using the bow. (Except for her first power, see below). However using a bow comes naturally to her. She has some basic proficiency with the bow from the summer camp workshops. Further training will improve the proficiency. To shoot an arrow she has to take one from her quiver, aim and release the arrow.
The bow and the quiver look like this: http://galesynchpjofanfiction.weebly.com/uploads/1/5/8/5/15850938/_393100301_orig.gif
Power: Accurate shot: Calling “Sailor Artemis – Guide my arrow! will greatly increase the accuracy and the speed of her arrow. If the target is not well covered or even out of sight, the chances to avoid the hit are small. The arrow is capable of following a moving target. How much damage the arrow does depends on Sailor Artemis’ proficiency with the bow and on how much distance the arrow has to fly. Due to its magical nature the impact is weaker than the one of a normal arrow. The arrow gets destroyed if it hits any physical object other than its intended target. Unless the arrow is launched at very close distance by a very proficient Sailor Artemis, the arrow will not cause any fatal injuries.
Guardian
- no guardian
Explanation
Artemis is the goddess of The hunt, wild animals, wilderness, childbirth, virginity. She also protects young girls. Legends tell that she carries a silver bow with golden arrows. Generally all forest animals were considered to be her attributes. She also was one of the patron goddesses of Sparta. They used to sacrifice to her before starting a military campaign. As goddess of virginity she was a virgin herself, something that was also expected from her female followers. Her relationship with men was strained. It was believed that Artemis that she wandered either alone or accompanied by virgin nymphs through the forests. As Sailor Artemis is based on the Greek goddess Artemis, the logical choice for a weapon is a bow. While Allina is a different person than the ancient goddess, her personality reflects her origin. While she shares some values with the original Artemis, there are other values that will be conflicting/that Alina doesn’t share. Alina is a modern girl and she won’t insist in staying a virgin for all her life. Nor will she keep away from men entirely. The preferences of the ancient goddess will unconsciously influence her decisions, but they do not rule her.
More about Artemis can be found on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemis
Writing Sample
Alina was relieved when she heard the pilot announce through the speakers: “Ladies and Gentlemen we’ll be landing at the JFK Airport shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts…” She hated flying and was always glad when she was safely back on the ground. To her dismay she had been given a windows seat. The clerk at the check-in counter certainly had thought that he had done her a favour as he couldn’t know that she feared high heights. She put the book she had been reading back into the bag and prepared herself for the landing.
Curious about her future home she lifted the light protection on the window and peeked outside. The plane was descending and Alina could already see the Skyline of Manhattan. In a few minutes she would be there, in New York. Her dad had promised to pick her up at the airport. He had flown over two weeks ago, to prepare everything for Alina’s arrival. In his last email he had mentioned that her room was ready and that he had arranged for her to go to an international school.
Alina had mixed feelings about moving to New York. On one side, she was looking forward to living in New York. Moving to America was a great adventure and she was sure there was a lot to learn and explore in this new country. On the other side, she already missed her grandparents, her friends and her beloved forest. Her grandparents had promised to come visiting her and that they would regularly Skype and Alina didn’t doubt that she would make new friends soon. However, she would greatly miss the forest. She had looked it up on google maps, there was no real forest close. Of course there were many parks, but they weren’t the same as a wild and untamed forest.
Her thoughts got interrupted by the plane touching down on the runway. Finally back on the ground. Alina breathed out with relief. Deboarding the plane didn’t take very long and soon she had picked up her suitcases at the luggage drop off. Getting through customs did take a bit longer. The waiting area was full and it was her Dad who spotted her first. She heard his “Hello Sweetheart, how was your flight? before she could spot him. She smiled and replied: “Hello Dad! My flight was okay, you know how much I hate flying…!”
Name: Alina Winter
Meaning: -
Age: 13
Birthdate: March 15th
School/Occupation: Latinate Academy, grade 7
Major NPCs:
- Paul Winter: Alina’s dad: He is 54 and works in the diplomatic corps of Switzerland
- Mirjam Winter (deceased): Alina’s mother, she died 10 years ago at the age of 42.
- Evelyne deVries: Sister of Paul Winter and aunt of Alina. She is married to Victor deVries – an artist living in New York.
History
Alina was born in Zürich, Switzerland, a bit more than 14 years ago to Paul and Mirjam Winter. They both had long wished to have a baby. They almost had given up the hope when Mirjam got pregnant with Alina. Her parents were overjoyed when Alina was born on March 15th. The first few years were happy and uneventful; Alina’s parents doted on their little girl.
However shortly after her 3rd birthday her mother got diagnosed with cancer. She had to go the hospital several times. During those times her dad took care of Alina despite his work as a diplomat for Switzerland’s ministry of foreign affairs. Despite their best efforts the doctors couldn’t cure Alina’s mother. Mirjam Winter died a few weeks before Christmas. In those dark times, Alina spent most of her time at her grandparents who looked after the little girl. They spent a lot of time in the near forest, a place where the young girl seemed to feel at home.
The death of her mother drastically changed Alina’s life. Her heartbroken father continued to work for the ministry of foreign affairs and he begun to spend more and more time at work. He obviously had a hard time to cope with the death of his wife. Luckily Alina’s grandparents (the parents of her dad) didn’t live far away and she begun to spend more and more time at their house. There were times when she didn’t see her dad more than once on the weekend. After a few months her Dad found back into life and they saw each other more often. Life continued, Alina started school and soon made friends with a few other girls. She didn’t have many friends, but those she had could consider her a loyal friend. Alina was a wild child, one that loved to be outside, especially in the forest. Alina was a great friend of animals. Some weeks after her eighth birthday she even came home with two young bunnies and insisted that they stay with her till they were old enough to life on their own. Her dad and her grandparents weren’t very happy about that, but after some begging, agreed.
Alina’s favourite time of the year was the summer. Summer not only meant no school, but also hot temperatures, plenty of time to swim, to spend in the forest and with her friends. After her 10th birthday summer also meant summer camp. The best two weeks of the year, two weeks of camping in the forest, filled with different workshops and adventures. Her favourite workshop was archery. There she learnt how to make a bow and arrows but also how to shoot with them.
The years passed and the young girl started to blossom into a young woman. Alina still didn’t see her dad much as he still worked a lot. They never really talked about Alina’s mother, they both new that the other one missed her, without having to say it. That her dad was absent a lot, made the relationship difficult between them. However Alina never had a doubt that he loved her deeply, he always found time for her when she needed to talk to him. Luckily she had her grandparents who looked after her, and her friends from school with which she spent a lot of time as well. Even without her mother and her dad often absent, Alina was happy, she had her grandparents, her friends and a forest nearby to explore.
Alina was a good student, a curious girl that was always interested in learning something new. Often she could be found behind a book, reading and lost in other worlds. Although Alina now was almost a teenager, she still spent a lot of time in the forest. The forest was her sanctuary, the place she went to when she needed time for herself. Her friends teased her that she spends more time in the forest then with flirting with boys. Alina just shrugged of those comments, as she wasn’t that much interested in boys.
It came as a big surprise to her when her Dad a few weeks before her 14th birthday announced that he’ll move to New York. He would work for Switzerland’s embassy there and he intended to take Alina with him. Once again Alina’s live changed drastically. She had to pack all her stuff, say goodbye to all her friends, her grandparents and to the forest she loved so much. The young girl soon found herself in New York. A city in a country she only had read of, or seen in TV and far away from any forests. A few weeks have passed since then and Alina is starting to feel at home in New York. Her favourite places there are – unsurprisingly – the various parks.
Personality
Some people think that Alina is a shy girl, but that’s not entirely true, she just has a tendency to be a bit reserved towards strangers or people she doesn’t like. She is always polite and eager to help anyone who needs her help. Her family and friends experience her as a fun and keen girl, one that likes to be among her family and friends. She is very loyal towards her friends and always tries to keep her promises. Although Alina never got to know her mother closely she still misses her, something that she hides deep inside, together with –probably irrational – fear to also lose her dad.
Alina is known for her rather short temper and her impulsiveness. She has a tendency not to think her actions through beforehand. Alina has a strong sense of justice and doesn’t have a problem with standing up to defend her beliefs. Alina has a slight fear of height. Climbing up a tree? No problem, but flying in a plane make her nervous. She feels most comfortable on the ground or close to it.
Alina is a fun loving girl, one that loves to fool around. Her favourite hobbies are: spending time in the forest, hanging out with her friends and reading. While she is an intelligent girl, one that earns to learn new things she doesn’t have an idea yet what she wants to be later. Maybe something outside, something scientific or something with kids? Alina doesn’t know it yet.
Appearance
Alina is with 167cm rather tall for a girl her age. Although her feminine curves have already started to develop, her slim body makes her still look more like a girl than a woman. The time she spends outside pays off as she only weights 54kg. Alina has shoulder length blond hair which she either wears open or in a ponytail. She has light grey eyes and sometimes her counterparts have the impression that they sparkle in the sun. Overall she has a cute face, however when she smiles her braces can be seen. At times Alina can be quite a tomboy, especially when she goes into the forest: old and used jeans, a far too big t-shirt and trekking shoes a prefect for that purpose. For school and hanging out with her friends she prefers to dress casually in jeans, t-shirt and/or a hoodie combined with comfortable sneakers. Usually she doesn’t apply make-up and only wears jewellery only for special occasions.
Fuku
Basically Sailor Artemis’ Fuku is a mixture between a chiton and a Greek armor made of different shades of green fabric. The upper part is almost like the upper part of a classical female chiton, only a bit tighter than the Greeks used to wear it. It’s hold together with a ribbon that ends with a large bow in the back.
The lower part is derived from the lower part of a typical Greek armor. The leather stripes that are supposed to protect the thighs have been visually combined with the underlying fabric into a skirt covering the upper part of the thighs. The Fuku is completed with Greek/Roman style sandals with 3-inch heels.
The Fuku sports a bow-shaped brooch on her left shoulder. Her hairstyle changes into two braids. A tiara with a green emerald and filigree earrings made of silver and small tear shaped emeralds at the bottom complete the Fuku.
The upper part is like the upper part here with the difference that the fabric is hold together with a bow in the back:
http://breannacooke.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/01_howtomakeagreekchiton.jpg?w=225&h=300
The skirt is just similar to this: The leather stripes are brown and a bit smaller, the fabric is green: http://img1.etsystatic.com/014/1/6056947/il_340x270.414162923_jj7v.jpg
Transformation
The phrase “Sailor Artemis I’m calling you to hunt and protect!” initiates the transformation into Sailor Artemis. Light in the colour of the rainbow surrounds her and lifts her up in the air, where Alina starts to spin a few times around herself, while the transformation happens. First Alina’s body transforms slightly, growing some muscles to support her in fights, her hair grows a bit and changes into braids. Afterwards the clothes and shoes transform into Sailor Artemis’ Fuku and last – but not least – the quiver and her bow appear over her shoulders. The light vanishes and Sailor Artemis drops to the ground.
Powers
Weapon: A simple silver longbow featuring few ornaments and a quiver full of arrows made of a wooden tail and iron heads. As the senshi of the Hunt, Sailor Artemis carries a bow. The arrows are – while made out of wood and iron – magical objects. Alina’s transformation into Sailor Artemis doesn’t give her proficiency in using the bow. (Except for her first power, see below). However using a bow comes naturally to her. She has some basic proficiency with the bow from the summer camp workshops. Further training will improve the proficiency. To shoot an arrow she has to take one from her quiver, aim and release the arrow.
The bow and the quiver look like this: http://galesynchpjofanfiction.weebly.com/uploads/1/5/8/5/15850938/_393100301_orig.gif
Power: Accurate shot: Calling “Sailor Artemis – Guide my arrow! will greatly increase the accuracy and the speed of her arrow. If the target is not well covered or even out of sight, the chances to avoid the hit are small. The arrow is capable of following a moving target. How much damage the arrow does depends on Sailor Artemis’ proficiency with the bow and on how much distance the arrow has to fly. Due to its magical nature the impact is weaker than the one of a normal arrow. The arrow gets destroyed if it hits any physical object other than its intended target. Unless the arrow is launched at very close distance by a very proficient Sailor Artemis, the arrow will not cause any fatal injuries.
Guardian
- no guardian
Explanation
Artemis is the goddess of The hunt, wild animals, wilderness, childbirth, virginity. She also protects young girls. Legends tell that she carries a silver bow with golden arrows. Generally all forest animals were considered to be her attributes. She also was one of the patron goddesses of Sparta. They used to sacrifice to her before starting a military campaign. As goddess of virginity she was a virgin herself, something that was also expected from her female followers. Her relationship with men was strained. It was believed that Artemis that she wandered either alone or accompanied by virgin nymphs through the forests. As Sailor Artemis is based on the Greek goddess Artemis, the logical choice for a weapon is a bow. While Allina is a different person than the ancient goddess, her personality reflects her origin. While she shares some values with the original Artemis, there are other values that will be conflicting/that Alina doesn’t share. Alina is a modern girl and she won’t insist in staying a virgin for all her life. Nor will she keep away from men entirely. The preferences of the ancient goddess will unconsciously influence her decisions, but they do not rule her.
More about Artemis can be found on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemis
Writing Sample
Alina was relieved when she heard the pilot announce through the speakers: “Ladies and Gentlemen we’ll be landing at the JFK Airport shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts…” She hated flying and was always glad when she was safely back on the ground. To her dismay she had been given a windows seat. The clerk at the check-in counter certainly had thought that he had done her a favour as he couldn’t know that she feared high heights. She put the book she had been reading back into the bag and prepared herself for the landing.
Curious about her future home she lifted the light protection on the window and peeked outside. The plane was descending and Alina could already see the Skyline of Manhattan. In a few minutes she would be there, in New York. Her dad had promised to pick her up at the airport. He had flown over two weeks ago, to prepare everything for Alina’s arrival. In his last email he had mentioned that her room was ready and that he had arranged for her to go to an international school.
Alina had mixed feelings about moving to New York. On one side, she was looking forward to living in New York. Moving to America was a great adventure and she was sure there was a lot to learn and explore in this new country. On the other side, she already missed her grandparents, her friends and her beloved forest. Her grandparents had promised to come visiting her and that they would regularly Skype and Alina didn’t doubt that she would make new friends soon. However, she would greatly miss the forest. She had looked it up on google maps, there was no real forest close. Of course there were many parks, but they weren’t the same as a wild and untamed forest.
Her thoughts got interrupted by the plane touching down on the runway. Finally back on the ground. Alina breathed out with relief. Deboarding the plane didn’t take very long and soon she had picked up her suitcases at the luggage drop off. Getting through customs did take a bit longer. The waiting area was full and it was her Dad who spotted her first. She heard his “Hello Sweetheart, how was your flight? before she could spot him. She smiled and replied: “Hello Dad! My flight was okay, you know how much I hate flying…!”
Results
Your application has been reviewed by Deer and Em. Your verdict is Reject for Revision.
Deer: I really like Alina and think that she shows a lot of traits that pair her well with Artemis. The application overall needs some more clarification, namely in the personality, fuku, and attack sections among others. I'm ecstatic about there being a potential younger character in our game and it will probably throw a few of the 'nicer' senshi off track which Sailor Artemis could or could not use to her advantage. ^_~ I think that the fuku section could really use a few more aspects that would give her away as being Sailor Artemis by first glance, especially with the chiton abundance in our current female Theos roster. Don't be shy with the fuku, run wild and visually celebrate aspects that are unique to Artemis! Overall just fleshing Alina out a bit more would be beneficial to playing her and really setting her apart from other characters, and then I think that she'd be wonderful in-game.
Em: There were a lot of really promising elements here that I would love to see explored more. I think Alina would be a wonderful addition to the cast, offering a beautifully diverse perspective from what we have so far by virtue of her age. Your writing is very good and I like your general character concept! Look for more little details that help bring Alina to life. I don't think you need to change the general aspects, just provide specific details of things and events that support these general concepts. There's also opportunity to research more Grecian and Artemis inspiration for her senshi form, and to be a bit more specific in areas relating to visual description to help readers create a mental image in line with your own. Overall it's a very nice start!
Detailed notes are below.
Character Info
+ D: Alina is young. Awesomeness! We totally need more characters that reflect the ages of the original Sailor Moon cast. And to give variation to the current character age range in Myth.
Kamila: Eep. All-powerful mun, I don't mean to interject, but fighting a 13-year-old just seems wrong! How could I ever bring myself to fight a kid?
D: Because you can. And you will.
+ E: Super-happy to see a younger character! Love how there's potential for different dynamics when there's a younger character in the mix.
- D: What's dad's personality like? While this section doesn't require you to write paragraphs about a NPC, I think Alina's current age and her father's major role in her life suggests that maybe a little bit more information should be given.
- D: After peeking over the rest of your application, I noticed that Evelyne wasn't mentioned anywhere else. Was she intended to play a more major role in Alina's life? I think the only NPCs that need to be listed here are the ones who are a major part of the character's life to some extent.
* E: More detail on NPCs, particularly ones living in NYC, is definitely advised. These are characters who might appear in any side stories you write, and also characters that you can use to interact with other players in the game.
* E: It says 14 years in the history section, but her age is listed as 13 in the character info section.
* D: Does this mean that she's 14 and would then be in 8th grade? Not sure if this was a mistake or not; I remember switching Kamila's age around a tonnn in my application and forgot to alter a part or so myself in my reviewed submission.
History
- D: What kind of cancer did Mirjam have? Did they catch her cancer in a very late stage or was it one of the more fatal types of cancer?
- E: Has having her mother die so close to Christmas affected how Alina and her father celebrate that holiday?
+ D: Love the details describing her adoration for the outdoors and wildlife at a young age.
- E: Did the bunnies survive? How did that event turn out?
- D: Did camp teach Alina how to hunt for animals with her bow and arrow or did she craft the bow and arrow to shoot as a target sport without any critters harmed?
- E: It's mentioned generally that Alina has friends, it'd be nice to know a little more about specifics. Who were her friends? Schoolmates, neighborhood playmates? A few close friends she shared secrets with, or a larger group of friendly acquaintances?
- E: What are her best and worst subjects in school?
- D: What did she enjoy doing in the forest on her own? I know you mentioned in the appearance section that she's slim from being outside so I assume she has partaken in some sort of athletic activity over the years in her favorite spot.
- D: How is she adapting to the school system in the United States? Does she have a favorite subject in her new school? And because she's shy, is she faring well with acquiring new friends in her new home?
- E: If the amount of time she's been in New York can be measured in weeks, how well can she have adjusted to it? Or had she been to NYC previously to visit her aunt, so she knew what to expect? NYC is such an urban environment, it's a little hard to imagine that someone who loves forests so much has taken the transition so well so quickly.
Personality
- D: I would like details to flesh out her personality a bit more and differentiate Alina from others. Most people will at least try to help another in need and will attempt to do so with a polite demeanor and have loyalties to friends; that's why they're deemed friends, after all. :) Most people also will enjoy hanging out with said friends, no matter how big or small their bubble of friends is, and consider themselves more or less intelligent. What makes Alina considered intelligent? Is it her grades or her social skills or some other aspect? I think more details and examples are needed so that the entire personality section comes to life through the elaboration of the presented traits.
- D: It seems a biiiiit contradictory to say that Alina is reserved toward strangers/people she doesn't like then say that she's eager to help /anyone/ who looks like they're in need of assistance. Just how reserved is she toward people who aren't in her friends and family circle? Does she overlook her initial reservations if a person, whether stranger or disliked individual, needs help?
- E: How easily does she make friends, particularly given the fact she gives people the impression of being shy? What sort of people does she tend to befriend?
+ D: I love the fact that you made Alina very loyal to her friends. I would love for this to be elaborated on more so as being loyal to friends is very common. My impression of her loyalty derives form Artemis too having an extreme defensiveness toward those she pledges her loyalties to. The myth that comes to mind is Apollo and Artemis' outrage at the mortal Niobe boasting that she was superior than their mother Leto. Apollo and Artemis took it upon themselves to punish her by killing her children with bows and arrows. Even though the personality section isn't as fleshed out as I think it needs to be, I definitely see bursts of Artemis here and there, and that's awesomeness!
+ D: Hooray for impulsiveness! I think that this and her short-temperedness both work perfectly with Artemis. I always considered Artemis to be both short-tempered and extremely impulsive based off of her stories, from quickly shooting down fellow hunter Orion (depending on which version of the myth you read) and showing no mercy for her follower Callisto who she turned into a bear, then shot and killed as punishment for conceiving a child with Zeus. Overall a very wrathful goddess who raised hell if anyone disobeyed what she wanted or believed in, and Alina's personality reflects it in this section. \o/
- E: What is justice to Alina? Does she favor rules and law, or moral justice? How does she react to perceived injustices?
+ E: Love how she prefers to be close to the ground!
- D: What does she do when she hangs out in the forest and needs this time to recharge? Does she jog, does she write? What is it about forests that attract her to them in specific? How does she feel about moving to New York City where forests aren't as prevalent as where she once lived? What does she think of the parks in New York versus the forests of her home country? I think that the forest aspect is a nod to Artemis and should be elaborated on more.
- E: What sort of books does she like to read?
- E: I'd like to see some more information on how she interacts with the world. What kind of people she likes, what kind of people annoy her, how she reacts to being treated well or poorly. How does she deal with adversity? Alina's life seems a little charmed save for the death of her mother while she was young, so if she hasn't had enough experience with adversity yet to know what kind of person she is, that's totally valid, but should be explicitly stated. I'm also curious about her work ethic, what's most important to her in life, is she creative or more grounded in reality?
Appearance
- D: Noticed that there wasn't mention of skin tone: How would you describe her skin tone? Is it sun kissed from her misadventures outdoors? Does she have freckles scattered across her face? Is her skin constantly sunburnt?
- D: What's her hair texture like? What shade of blonde?
+ D: OMG. Braces. Oh heck yes, I love it! I so remember rocking out braces at 13. The highlight of my orthodontist's appointments would be selecting what ridiculous array of color rubber bands would go with my braces. Purple and bright green pls! Every time I went and selected my colors, the dentist's aid would face-palm at me. Those were the days, enjoy them Alina. T_T
- D: Is she a tomboy based off of only her clothing selection? Or is she a tomboy all around? I guess this question goes for the personality section too as a lot is mentioned about spending time in a forest but not so much what she does in specific when she's outdoors on her own.
- E: With clothing, what are her color preferences? Bright colors, earth tones, pastel, dark colors, prints, plaid?
Fuku
- D: I think the fuku is off to a great start but I think there are a few clarifications that should be made. (Of course, the more detailed to better draw your character in her senshi form later down the road. ^_~)
- D: What shades of green in specific is the fuku composed of? There's such a massive spectrum of green shades and just naming a few would help visualize the fuku better; there's a giant difference between imagining Sailor Artemis with a lime and teal fuku versus hunter green and olive.
- E: It isn't totally clear what shades of green the various fuku elements are. Is the chiton dark green? Is the ribbon neon green? Is the leather pastel green?
+ D: The imagery of the chiton being held together with a gathered bow in the back sounds so cool! It helps separate her chiton from others' (The Theos senshi do love their chitons!) and also gives her an aspect of the standard fuku. Once I read it, I immediately associated it with the back bow of the standard fuku. The same with the brooch. Love the traditional fuku elements done in an unconventional way. :)
Kamila: Woah! 3-inch heels and she's 5'4" in civilian form? @.@ 13 years old or not, she sounds intimidating as Sailor Artemis! * cowers in a corner and waves a white flag around in defeat * (And if Sailor Artemis and Sailor Camael ever became allies, Sailor Camael would definitely ask to borrow those heels.)
- E: Love the idea of a bow-shaped shoulder brooch, though I think it needs more description. How big is the brooch? What is it made of? What color is it? As it's a brooch, does it feature any gemstones or engraving, or is it a solid color?
- E: What secures her braids to keep them from unraveling? I do love braids, though! <3
- D: Is the tiara a traditional Sailor Moon tiara? Whenever I initially think of a tiara, many images come to mind as almost any adorning headpiece is considered a tiara somewhere.
- D: Overall, the fuku just needs a few more "Artemis" elements, I think…and there's so much to work with for Artemis as she's such a lauded figure in Grecian mythology and rightfully so. There's many aspects to work with from the moon, to the hunt, to the forest, to the animals she's associated with and I think this fuku could really come to life and shout: "This is Sailor Artemis, without a doubt!" by first glance with a few more of these Artemis-relevant additions peppered in. I think this is especially important with wanting the fuku to stand out as the other two female Theos senshi also wear a chiton fuku of some sort but have identifying elements to indicate their deity and realm of influence.
Transformation
* D: What does Alina use as a transformation relic?
- E: When she spins, is it a slow spin, medium speed, or fast? What is her position as she spins? Arms out? Arms up, or down? Legs straight?
+ D: Woohoo, I support the growing of muscles! It works well for Sailor Artemis too and may make Sailor Camael feel better about fighting a 13-year --
Kamila: -- You wish. I'd feel horrible if I hurt a child, there's no way I'm fighting a 13-year-old. Not even if my life depended on it.
Keturah: BUT YOU MUST! * incoming stereotypical guardian beat down speech * THE FATE OF THE SERAPHIM SENSHI MAY REST IN YOUR HANDS--
D: Kamila, the more you protest, the more I'm going to plot for you to fight a 13-year-old for your life! (No really, this would make for an epic and laughter-ensuing story in the future. Plottage, please!)
- D: I would add a bit more about just how much muscle growth takes place in the fuku section. And if this detail is kept here as well, just how much more muscle is gained? Is she gaining a bit more muscle tone in solely her arms to help utilize her bow better? Or is she going all out Super Saiyan and getting ripped? Is the change in muscle very visible? I'd like a more clear image of what the muscle enhancement consists of.
- E: When she drops to the ground at the end, does she land standing or crouched?
Powers
- D: What do the longbow's ornaments look like?
- D: How exactly are the wood and iron arrows magical? What makes them magical?
- E: It's definitely fine to include reference images, but it's not entirely clear if your intention was to have her bow and arrow resemble this image exactly. If that is the case, it would be problematic because it's an image/design someone else drew and you'd need their permission to use it. It also appears to be a Tolkien-based illustration, and it would probably be better to use ancient Greek bows and arrows for reference.
+ D: SO happy to see an offensive-based senshi! Love her attack; it's both a buff and offensive attack in one, what could be better?!
- D: The attack needs a few more details clarified: Attack activation buffs the arrows so that each arrow is capable of following a moving target in addition to increasing the swiftness and precision of the arrow, correct? Just want to make sure that I understand the attack completely. Does the bow not possess the capability to follow a moving target unless this attack is activated? How often can this attack be activated per fight? Does it last the whole fight? Can she shoot several buffed arrows and each chase a different target at the same time?
- E: Does Accurate Shot have a maximum range, or could the arrow potentially follow a fast runner for a very long distance?
Explanation
+ E: I know Alina is her own person, but the "wandering alone or being accompanied by virgins" thing could be an element worth considering exploring in Alina's personality. I like the preferences of the ancient goddess (or rather, ancient senshi) influencing Alina. That could also be worth exploring in the personality section, since Alina is at the age where people often start to have an interest in romantic liaisons.
Writing Sample
+ E: Love how your writing sample really explores a moment -- so many people try to do too much in their writing samples, when RP is usually more in-the-moment stuff! Well done.
Deer: I really like Alina and think that she shows a lot of traits that pair her well with Artemis. The application overall needs some more clarification, namely in the personality, fuku, and attack sections among others. I'm ecstatic about there being a potential younger character in our game and it will probably throw a few of the 'nicer' senshi off track which Sailor Artemis could or could not use to her advantage. ^_~ I think that the fuku section could really use a few more aspects that would give her away as being Sailor Artemis by first glance, especially with the chiton abundance in our current female Theos roster. Don't be shy with the fuku, run wild and visually celebrate aspects that are unique to Artemis! Overall just fleshing Alina out a bit more would be beneficial to playing her and really setting her apart from other characters, and then I think that she'd be wonderful in-game.
Em: There were a lot of really promising elements here that I would love to see explored more. I think Alina would be a wonderful addition to the cast, offering a beautifully diverse perspective from what we have so far by virtue of her age. Your writing is very good and I like your general character concept! Look for more little details that help bring Alina to life. I don't think you need to change the general aspects, just provide specific details of things and events that support these general concepts. There's also opportunity to research more Grecian and Artemis inspiration for her senshi form, and to be a bit more specific in areas relating to visual description to help readers create a mental image in line with your own. Overall it's a very nice start!
Detailed notes are below.
Character Info
+ D: Alina is young. Awesomeness! We totally need more characters that reflect the ages of the original Sailor Moon cast. And to give variation to the current character age range in Myth.
Kamila: Eep. All-powerful mun, I don't mean to interject, but fighting a 13-year-old just seems wrong! How could I ever bring myself to fight a kid?
D: Because you can. And you will.
+ E: Super-happy to see a younger character! Love how there's potential for different dynamics when there's a younger character in the mix.
- D: What's dad's personality like? While this section doesn't require you to write paragraphs about a NPC, I think Alina's current age and her father's major role in her life suggests that maybe a little bit more information should be given.
- D: After peeking over the rest of your application, I noticed that Evelyne wasn't mentioned anywhere else. Was she intended to play a more major role in Alina's life? I think the only NPCs that need to be listed here are the ones who are a major part of the character's life to some extent.
* E: More detail on NPCs, particularly ones living in NYC, is definitely advised. These are characters who might appear in any side stories you write, and also characters that you can use to interact with other players in the game.
* E: It says 14 years in the history section, but her age is listed as 13 in the character info section.
* D: Does this mean that she's 14 and would then be in 8th grade? Not sure if this was a mistake or not; I remember switching Kamila's age around a tonnn in my application and forgot to alter a part or so myself in my reviewed submission.
History
- D: What kind of cancer did Mirjam have? Did they catch her cancer in a very late stage or was it one of the more fatal types of cancer?
- E: Has having her mother die so close to Christmas affected how Alina and her father celebrate that holiday?
+ D: Love the details describing her adoration for the outdoors and wildlife at a young age.
- E: Did the bunnies survive? How did that event turn out?
- D: Did camp teach Alina how to hunt for animals with her bow and arrow or did she craft the bow and arrow to shoot as a target sport without any critters harmed?
- E: It's mentioned generally that Alina has friends, it'd be nice to know a little more about specifics. Who were her friends? Schoolmates, neighborhood playmates? A few close friends she shared secrets with, or a larger group of friendly acquaintances?
- E: What are her best and worst subjects in school?
- D: What did she enjoy doing in the forest on her own? I know you mentioned in the appearance section that she's slim from being outside so I assume she has partaken in some sort of athletic activity over the years in her favorite spot.
- D: How is she adapting to the school system in the United States? Does she have a favorite subject in her new school? And because she's shy, is she faring well with acquiring new friends in her new home?
- E: If the amount of time she's been in New York can be measured in weeks, how well can she have adjusted to it? Or had she been to NYC previously to visit her aunt, so she knew what to expect? NYC is such an urban environment, it's a little hard to imagine that someone who loves forests so much has taken the transition so well so quickly.
Personality
- D: I would like details to flesh out her personality a bit more and differentiate Alina from others. Most people will at least try to help another in need and will attempt to do so with a polite demeanor and have loyalties to friends; that's why they're deemed friends, after all. :) Most people also will enjoy hanging out with said friends, no matter how big or small their bubble of friends is, and consider themselves more or less intelligent. What makes Alina considered intelligent? Is it her grades or her social skills or some other aspect? I think more details and examples are needed so that the entire personality section comes to life through the elaboration of the presented traits.
- D: It seems a biiiiit contradictory to say that Alina is reserved toward strangers/people she doesn't like then say that she's eager to help /anyone/ who looks like they're in need of assistance. Just how reserved is she toward people who aren't in her friends and family circle? Does she overlook her initial reservations if a person, whether stranger or disliked individual, needs help?
- E: How easily does she make friends, particularly given the fact she gives people the impression of being shy? What sort of people does she tend to befriend?
+ D: I love the fact that you made Alina very loyal to her friends. I would love for this to be elaborated on more so as being loyal to friends is very common. My impression of her loyalty derives form Artemis too having an extreme defensiveness toward those she pledges her loyalties to. The myth that comes to mind is Apollo and Artemis' outrage at the mortal Niobe boasting that she was superior than their mother Leto. Apollo and Artemis took it upon themselves to punish her by killing her children with bows and arrows. Even though the personality section isn't as fleshed out as I think it needs to be, I definitely see bursts of Artemis here and there, and that's awesomeness!
+ D: Hooray for impulsiveness! I think that this and her short-temperedness both work perfectly with Artemis. I always considered Artemis to be both short-tempered and extremely impulsive based off of her stories, from quickly shooting down fellow hunter Orion (depending on which version of the myth you read) and showing no mercy for her follower Callisto who she turned into a bear, then shot and killed as punishment for conceiving a child with Zeus. Overall a very wrathful goddess who raised hell if anyone disobeyed what she wanted or believed in, and Alina's personality reflects it in this section. \o/
- E: What is justice to Alina? Does she favor rules and law, or moral justice? How does she react to perceived injustices?
+ E: Love how she prefers to be close to the ground!
- D: What does she do when she hangs out in the forest and needs this time to recharge? Does she jog, does she write? What is it about forests that attract her to them in specific? How does she feel about moving to New York City where forests aren't as prevalent as where she once lived? What does she think of the parks in New York versus the forests of her home country? I think that the forest aspect is a nod to Artemis and should be elaborated on more.
- E: What sort of books does she like to read?
- E: I'd like to see some more information on how she interacts with the world. What kind of people she likes, what kind of people annoy her, how she reacts to being treated well or poorly. How does she deal with adversity? Alina's life seems a little charmed save for the death of her mother while she was young, so if she hasn't had enough experience with adversity yet to know what kind of person she is, that's totally valid, but should be explicitly stated. I'm also curious about her work ethic, what's most important to her in life, is she creative or more grounded in reality?
Appearance
- D: Noticed that there wasn't mention of skin tone: How would you describe her skin tone? Is it sun kissed from her misadventures outdoors? Does she have freckles scattered across her face? Is her skin constantly sunburnt?
- D: What's her hair texture like? What shade of blonde?
+ D: OMG. Braces. Oh heck yes, I love it! I so remember rocking out braces at 13. The highlight of my orthodontist's appointments would be selecting what ridiculous array of color rubber bands would go with my braces. Purple and bright green pls! Every time I went and selected my colors, the dentist's aid would face-palm at me. Those were the days, enjoy them Alina. T_T
- D: Is she a tomboy based off of only her clothing selection? Or is she a tomboy all around? I guess this question goes for the personality section too as a lot is mentioned about spending time in a forest but not so much what she does in specific when she's outdoors on her own.
- E: With clothing, what are her color preferences? Bright colors, earth tones, pastel, dark colors, prints, plaid?
Fuku
- D: I think the fuku is off to a great start but I think there are a few clarifications that should be made. (Of course, the more detailed to better draw your character in her senshi form later down the road. ^_~)
- D: What shades of green in specific is the fuku composed of? There's such a massive spectrum of green shades and just naming a few would help visualize the fuku better; there's a giant difference between imagining Sailor Artemis with a lime and teal fuku versus hunter green and olive.
- E: It isn't totally clear what shades of green the various fuku elements are. Is the chiton dark green? Is the ribbon neon green? Is the leather pastel green?
+ D: The imagery of the chiton being held together with a gathered bow in the back sounds so cool! It helps separate her chiton from others' (The Theos senshi do love their chitons!) and also gives her an aspect of the standard fuku. Once I read it, I immediately associated it with the back bow of the standard fuku. The same with the brooch. Love the traditional fuku elements done in an unconventional way. :)
Kamila: Woah! 3-inch heels and she's 5'4" in civilian form? @.@ 13 years old or not, she sounds intimidating as Sailor Artemis! * cowers in a corner and waves a white flag around in defeat * (And if Sailor Artemis and Sailor Camael ever became allies, Sailor Camael would definitely ask to borrow those heels.)
- E: Love the idea of a bow-shaped shoulder brooch, though I think it needs more description. How big is the brooch? What is it made of? What color is it? As it's a brooch, does it feature any gemstones or engraving, or is it a solid color?
- E: What secures her braids to keep them from unraveling? I do love braids, though! <3
- D: Is the tiara a traditional Sailor Moon tiara? Whenever I initially think of a tiara, many images come to mind as almost any adorning headpiece is considered a tiara somewhere.
- D: Overall, the fuku just needs a few more "Artemis" elements, I think…and there's so much to work with for Artemis as she's such a lauded figure in Grecian mythology and rightfully so. There's many aspects to work with from the moon, to the hunt, to the forest, to the animals she's associated with and I think this fuku could really come to life and shout: "This is Sailor Artemis, without a doubt!" by first glance with a few more of these Artemis-relevant additions peppered in. I think this is especially important with wanting the fuku to stand out as the other two female Theos senshi also wear a chiton fuku of some sort but have identifying elements to indicate their deity and realm of influence.
Transformation
* D: What does Alina use as a transformation relic?
- E: When she spins, is it a slow spin, medium speed, or fast? What is her position as she spins? Arms out? Arms up, or down? Legs straight?
+ D: Woohoo, I support the growing of muscles! It works well for Sailor Artemis too and may make Sailor Camael feel better about fighting a 13-year --
Kamila: -- You wish. I'd feel horrible if I hurt a child, there's no way I'm fighting a 13-year-old. Not even if my life depended on it.
Keturah: BUT YOU MUST! * incoming stereotypical guardian beat down speech * THE FATE OF THE SERAPHIM SENSHI MAY REST IN YOUR HANDS--
D: Kamila, the more you protest, the more I'm going to plot for you to fight a 13-year-old for your life! (No really, this would make for an epic and laughter-ensuing story in the future. Plottage, please!)
- D: I would add a bit more about just how much muscle growth takes place in the fuku section. And if this detail is kept here as well, just how much more muscle is gained? Is she gaining a bit more muscle tone in solely her arms to help utilize her bow better? Or is she going all out Super Saiyan and getting ripped? Is the change in muscle very visible? I'd like a more clear image of what the muscle enhancement consists of.
- E: When she drops to the ground at the end, does she land standing or crouched?
Powers
- D: What do the longbow's ornaments look like?
- D: How exactly are the wood and iron arrows magical? What makes them magical?
- E: It's definitely fine to include reference images, but it's not entirely clear if your intention was to have her bow and arrow resemble this image exactly. If that is the case, it would be problematic because it's an image/design someone else drew and you'd need their permission to use it. It also appears to be a Tolkien-based illustration, and it would probably be better to use ancient Greek bows and arrows for reference.
+ D: SO happy to see an offensive-based senshi! Love her attack; it's both a buff and offensive attack in one, what could be better?!
- D: The attack needs a few more details clarified: Attack activation buffs the arrows so that each arrow is capable of following a moving target in addition to increasing the swiftness and precision of the arrow, correct? Just want to make sure that I understand the attack completely. Does the bow not possess the capability to follow a moving target unless this attack is activated? How often can this attack be activated per fight? Does it last the whole fight? Can she shoot several buffed arrows and each chase a different target at the same time?
- E: Does Accurate Shot have a maximum range, or could the arrow potentially follow a fast runner for a very long distance?
Explanation
+ E: I know Alina is her own person, but the "wandering alone or being accompanied by virgins" thing could be an element worth considering exploring in Alina's personality. I like the preferences of the ancient goddess (or rather, ancient senshi) influencing Alina. That could also be worth exploring in the personality section, since Alina is at the age where people often start to have an interest in romantic liaisons.
Writing Sample
+ E: Love how your writing sample really explores a moment -- so many people try to do too much in their writing samples, when RP is usually more in-the-moment stuff! Well done.