Application
Senshi: Knight Monoceros, Stellar Senshi of Purity
Name: Remedy Greene. (Yes, her parents are total hippies.)
Meaning: Remedy can either mean "to set things right" or "a medicine or treatment to cure an illness".
Age: 13
Birthdate: December 7th
School/Occupation: Centurion School of the Arts, grade 7.
Major NPCs:
Mother-Fern (Born Angelica) Greene
Father- Lucky (Born Jacob) Greene
Sister (younger)- Prisma Greene
Brother (older, estranged)- Alex (Born River) Greene
BFFs- Bobbi Glames and Randall Bennet
Fern and Lucky are still very much a part of the New Age crowd. Having lived out their impressionable years during the Summer of Love, they took the philosophies of that time to heart, and intend to raise their children as such. They met at a concert in '77, and have been together ever since. Lucky makes a living selling his found-art sculptures, which, while not anything particularly popular, keeps his kids fed and housed. Fern works as a midwife to ladies that, like herself, believe that the best thing is to keep close to the natural order of things. She's a doting mother and a little too interested in her children's life, sometimes.
Prisma is Remedy's little sister, just six years old. She adores Remedy, more than anything in the whole wide world. As far as she's concerned, Remedy can do no wrong. She likes playing in the garden, helping her mom harvest veggies, and trying to teach her lovebird Cocoa to do tricks. (Remedy's not really sure why Prisma named her lovebird Cocoa. The bird's blue, for frak's sake.) She's a fairly bright kid, but shy around most people. She'll hide behind her parents (or prefereably Remedy) if she can when she meets someone.
Alex... oh, Alex. Well, he hasn't always been Alex, he was born River, and for the longest time was Remedy's hero, like she is to Prisma. He was her knight in shining armor, her protector, her world. And then... and then over the years he started getting more and more annoyed with his parent's outlook at the world, at the way they were just nauseatingly optimistic. He worked as soon as he could, and saved up enough that he could book it out when he turned 18. Which was just last year, only a month after Remedy's 12th birthday. Remedy never really got over that.
Bobbi is one of Remedy's best friends. Brash, loud, a little rough-and-tumble, Bobbi nonetheless has a heart of gold, at least as far as her friends are concerned. Although... her morals could use a little work. She's not above shoplifting, for example... and sometimes she sneaks her mom's cigarrettes when she's passed out drunk. But she'd never dream of getting Remedy into any kind of trouble! Lately she's been really worried abotu her friend, expecially since Alex up and left. She didn't get into the same school Remedy did, but she still does her best to spend as much time with her as she can. She's not gonna abandon her. No sir.
Randall is Remedy's other best friend. He's the complete opposite of Bobbi. Quiet, shy, and way more likely to duck and cover if things go south. He and Bobbi fight a lot as a result of this, but never in mean spirits. And they always make up afterward, even if it takes them a few weeks. He's sad that Remedy is going to a different school now, too. Bobbi's much easier to handle if she's around. And besides that, who is he going to sit with at lunch now? Bobbi can't afford to go to Latinate with him, and he already knows he's gonna be crap at making friends. And besides all that, there's the fact that Remedy's still hurting over her brother leaving. Not that Randall can blame him, though. Remedy's parents are a little weird.
History:
Remedy's parents have always supported her in whatever she wanted to be. She, like all little kids, went through the "I want to be a princess/spaceman/ballerina/doctor/mermaid!" stage, and (stifling their chuckles), indulged her in finding otu what she liked. She grew up in a family where drawing on the walls wasn't cause for punishment, but for praise on her creativity. When she accidentally spilled paint on her mother's wedding dress, she wasn't reprimanded (though she felt terrible). Instead, her mother just smiled (if a little sadly) and cleaned the mess up, then turned the stained dress into a woven rug.
When Prisma came along, Remedy wasn't sure if she should be happy or not. She was the baby, after all, and here came this new little girl! She spent the longest time fretting over whether this meant that she wouldn't mean as much to her family. However, once Prisma started getting old enough to talk, her first word ("Medy!") sealed the deal. Remedy adored her sister. She decided she'd be the hero her brother was to her.
And he was her hero, too. She and River went everywhere together. They played together, laughed together. He never grew angry or annoyed with her, even though he was six years older. Things were brilliant. And then... and then things went a bit sideways. River, unknown to his family, had been working and saving his money in order to get out of the house. He didn't agree with his parent's philosophies, didn't want to live the same sort of life he could see Remedy and Prisma going down. A week after Remedy's 12th birthday, he left. Not a word was said to his parents. The only way anyone knew what was going on was a letter he'd written to his sisters. Remedy still hurts over that.
At the end of her 6th grade year, she was scouted for the Centurion School for the Arts, thanks to a choir teacher who saw her potential. After a high-pressure audition and many weeks of sweating and biting her nails, Remedy was IN. She spends most of her time now focusing on her studies. The pain of River's (now Alex, she supposes) departure still hurts, though. She's planning on becomming famous, and then finding him again. She wants to talk it all out. She wants her brother again. But recently, things have been getting a little strange...
Personality
Remedy tries to be a good person, she really, really does. Unfortunately, her good intentions tend to go awry, as she's a very act first, think later sort of person. Raised on a steady diet of New Age mysticism, Remedy is superstitious- not in the "black cats are bad luck" sort of way- but in the "burn sage to drive otu bad energy" kind of way. It's not that she truly believes any of it, it's just that that's how she was raised and as far as she's concerned, that's the way the world works.
Remedy is also extremely confident, almost to the point of beign annoying. Years of beign told that she can do anything has made her believe that she can, if she works hard enough and puts enough of herself into what she's doing. The only place in her life she isn't confident is in the romance area. She's not sure what she's supposed to do, there. She knows girls her age date and have boyfriends and kiss and hold hands, but... well. She's not sure she even likes boys! Boys are just... just people, you know? She'd rather spend time with her music.
Remedy has a huge weak spot for "cute" things. Stuffed animals, cute posters, colorful decorations, you name it. She doesn't really have a lot of spending money, but when she does, she almost immediately blows it on "cute" things. Her room, while clean, is absolutely packed with these things. She's got shelves and shelves of little vinyl figurines from that shop near her school that specializes in Japanese curios.
Remedy hates public transit. She has to put up with it to get around, but holy crud, does she hate it. Stinky, crowded, all that lurching around- it's enough to make her sick. And it usually does, unless she sits right by a window. If she could, she'd totally jsut ride her bike too and from school, but her parents have said no to that. They're too worried she'll get nabbed. Which, yeah, is a possibility, but still! No fair!
Remedy spends most of her time (when she's not working on music) with Bobbi, Randall, and Prisma. She can't take Prisma with her everywhere, but she tries her darndest to make sure she spends enough time with her. She's not gonna do what her brother did. She's gonna give Prisma what she lost. She's promised herself.
Appearance
Remedy likes simple, light clothes. She's aquired her mom's taste in flowy, silky sundresses, tunics and hemp sandals. Her hair is long, usually worn loose. She's not... conventially pretty, but she's got this weird, almost alien kind fo beauty to her. Her eyes are a stunning blue, but are a bit big on her face. Her mouth is small and downturned, but nicely shaped. She's got a button nose and freckles across her lightly tanned skin. Her hands are long and narrow, like the rest of her. She looks like she'd blow away in a strong wind. Sometimes, when she wears baggier clothes, it's hard to tell what gender she is. She's... not really sure how she feels about this.
Fuku
image
All in shades of blue. She wears a floaty fuku, in the basic shape of a sailor uniform. Her skirt is three layers of progressively lighter cloth. Her boots come up to mid-shin and her gloves to mid forearm. The main thing that changes when she transforms is that she grows a silvery horn from the center of her forehead.
Transformation
Remedy's relic is a small, spirialing crystal that looks somewhat like a horn. She usually wears it on a necklace.
"The world calls for purity! Monoceros, Knight of the Unicorn!" A light burst from her forehead and envelops her, nearly blinding. After a moment of being curled in the center of this tiny supernova, she appears in her fuku, horn and all. This takes about 15 seconds in total.
Powers
Weapon: Silver lance. She's really not skilled with using it as a pure offensive weapon, as she's not very strong. She can't put a lot of weight behind it, so instead, she uses it almost like a pole-vault. This lauches her into the air or forward, so she can put some more oomph into her attack... provided she can aim the thing.
Power: "Unicorn Strike" Remedy can expand the light from her horn outward in a beam approximately 20 feet in the direction she's facing. People hit by this beam find that any action is sluggish and hard to do. Unicorns were said to be unable to be harmed. In Remedy's case, it's because she can buy herself enough time to launch herself at her enemies... or away. No one said she was brave.
Explanation
Monoceros, the Unicorn. Unicorns were wild, ferocious beasts, despite their majestic appearance. However, their horns were said to be able to cure any ailment. Only those pure of heart, strong of mind and will could approach one. Some knights believed that to harm a unicorn was to brign damnation to the soul itself. To capture a unicorn is folly, because when they break free (and they will, given enough time), their wrath is something to be reckoned with.
Writing Sample
"Within the forests verdant green/Lives a creature never seen..."
Remedy carefully wrapped her tongue around the words, forcing the air in her lungs out slowly, as she'd been taught. She stood in her room with her choir book in front of her, rehearsing. She closed her eyes and let the song out on autopilot. Her mind began to wander. It wandered, like it always did, to River. Alex, she corrected herself. He was calling himself Alex now. It'd only been a year since he'd left. No goodbyes, no warning. Nothing but a letter to Prisma and Remedy. It'd said that he was sorry. That he couldn't see any other way, that he couldn't live the way their parents wanted him to live. Remedy's brows furrowed. What was so frakking wrong with how they lived, anyway? Mom and dad were a little too concerned sometimes, but they loved them.
"The beast alof held its horn/Songs and legends then were born..."
What kind of stupid name was Alex, anyway? Their names weren't really normal, yeah, but at least they were unique. Just like they were, right? Mom said she'd even chosen their names because of the personalities she'd seen in them when they were born. How cool was that? Most people just got named after grandparents or something. She let her eyes open a crack, to see the familiar shape of Prisma peeking in the door. Remedy smirked and pretended not to see.
"To a virgin came the beast/And laid its head upon her breast..."
A snicker gave Prisma away. She finally came in, covering her mouth and giggling. "You said 'breast'!", she tittered. Remedy grinned, pouncing on her sister and wrapping her in a hug. "Yeah, I did, birdy," she said, pulling Prisma onto her lap, "What'd you need?" Prisma's giggles subsided, but she still wore a grin. There was a tooth missing where she'd lost it last week. "Mommy says dinner will be ready soon, so you gotta come down." Remedy nodded, gave her sister a peck on the forehead and shooed her off. "I'll be right down, okay? I gotta wash up, first." Prisma ran off, and Remedy started putting her choir stuff away. She wondered if she was ever gonna get over River- Alex, she corrected herself- leaving...
Name: Remedy Greene. (Yes, her parents are total hippies.)
Meaning: Remedy can either mean "to set things right" or "a medicine or treatment to cure an illness".
Age: 13
Birthdate: December 7th
School/Occupation: Centurion School of the Arts, grade 7.
Major NPCs:
Mother-Fern (Born Angelica) Greene
Father- Lucky (Born Jacob) Greene
Sister (younger)- Prisma Greene
Brother (older, estranged)- Alex (Born River) Greene
BFFs- Bobbi Glames and Randall Bennet
Fern and Lucky are still very much a part of the New Age crowd. Having lived out their impressionable years during the Summer of Love, they took the philosophies of that time to heart, and intend to raise their children as such. They met at a concert in '77, and have been together ever since. Lucky makes a living selling his found-art sculptures, which, while not anything particularly popular, keeps his kids fed and housed. Fern works as a midwife to ladies that, like herself, believe that the best thing is to keep close to the natural order of things. She's a doting mother and a little too interested in her children's life, sometimes.
Prisma is Remedy's little sister, just six years old. She adores Remedy, more than anything in the whole wide world. As far as she's concerned, Remedy can do no wrong. She likes playing in the garden, helping her mom harvest veggies, and trying to teach her lovebird Cocoa to do tricks. (Remedy's not really sure why Prisma named her lovebird Cocoa. The bird's blue, for frak's sake.) She's a fairly bright kid, but shy around most people. She'll hide behind her parents (or prefereably Remedy) if she can when she meets someone.
Alex... oh, Alex. Well, he hasn't always been Alex, he was born River, and for the longest time was Remedy's hero, like she is to Prisma. He was her knight in shining armor, her protector, her world. And then... and then over the years he started getting more and more annoyed with his parent's outlook at the world, at the way they were just nauseatingly optimistic. He worked as soon as he could, and saved up enough that he could book it out when he turned 18. Which was just last year, only a month after Remedy's 12th birthday. Remedy never really got over that.
Bobbi is one of Remedy's best friends. Brash, loud, a little rough-and-tumble, Bobbi nonetheless has a heart of gold, at least as far as her friends are concerned. Although... her morals could use a little work. She's not above shoplifting, for example... and sometimes she sneaks her mom's cigarrettes when she's passed out drunk. But she'd never dream of getting Remedy into any kind of trouble! Lately she's been really worried abotu her friend, expecially since Alex up and left. She didn't get into the same school Remedy did, but she still does her best to spend as much time with her as she can. She's not gonna abandon her. No sir.
Randall is Remedy's other best friend. He's the complete opposite of Bobbi. Quiet, shy, and way more likely to duck and cover if things go south. He and Bobbi fight a lot as a result of this, but never in mean spirits. And they always make up afterward, even if it takes them a few weeks. He's sad that Remedy is going to a different school now, too. Bobbi's much easier to handle if she's around. And besides that, who is he going to sit with at lunch now? Bobbi can't afford to go to Latinate with him, and he already knows he's gonna be crap at making friends. And besides all that, there's the fact that Remedy's still hurting over her brother leaving. Not that Randall can blame him, though. Remedy's parents are a little weird.
History:
Remedy's parents have always supported her in whatever she wanted to be. She, like all little kids, went through the "I want to be a princess/spaceman/ballerina/doctor/mermaid!" stage, and (stifling their chuckles), indulged her in finding otu what she liked. She grew up in a family where drawing on the walls wasn't cause for punishment, but for praise on her creativity. When she accidentally spilled paint on her mother's wedding dress, she wasn't reprimanded (though she felt terrible). Instead, her mother just smiled (if a little sadly) and cleaned the mess up, then turned the stained dress into a woven rug.
When Prisma came along, Remedy wasn't sure if she should be happy or not. She was the baby, after all, and here came this new little girl! She spent the longest time fretting over whether this meant that she wouldn't mean as much to her family. However, once Prisma started getting old enough to talk, her first word ("Medy!") sealed the deal. Remedy adored her sister. She decided she'd be the hero her brother was to her.
And he was her hero, too. She and River went everywhere together. They played together, laughed together. He never grew angry or annoyed with her, even though he was six years older. Things were brilliant. And then... and then things went a bit sideways. River, unknown to his family, had been working and saving his money in order to get out of the house. He didn't agree with his parent's philosophies, didn't want to live the same sort of life he could see Remedy and Prisma going down. A week after Remedy's 12th birthday, he left. Not a word was said to his parents. The only way anyone knew what was going on was a letter he'd written to his sisters. Remedy still hurts over that.
At the end of her 6th grade year, she was scouted for the Centurion School for the Arts, thanks to a choir teacher who saw her potential. After a high-pressure audition and many weeks of sweating and biting her nails, Remedy was IN. She spends most of her time now focusing on her studies. The pain of River's (now Alex, she supposes) departure still hurts, though. She's planning on becomming famous, and then finding him again. She wants to talk it all out. She wants her brother again. But recently, things have been getting a little strange...
Personality
Remedy tries to be a good person, she really, really does. Unfortunately, her good intentions tend to go awry, as she's a very act first, think later sort of person. Raised on a steady diet of New Age mysticism, Remedy is superstitious- not in the "black cats are bad luck" sort of way- but in the "burn sage to drive otu bad energy" kind of way. It's not that she truly believes any of it, it's just that that's how she was raised and as far as she's concerned, that's the way the world works.
Remedy is also extremely confident, almost to the point of beign annoying. Years of beign told that she can do anything has made her believe that she can, if she works hard enough and puts enough of herself into what she's doing. The only place in her life she isn't confident is in the romance area. She's not sure what she's supposed to do, there. She knows girls her age date and have boyfriends and kiss and hold hands, but... well. She's not sure she even likes boys! Boys are just... just people, you know? She'd rather spend time with her music.
Remedy has a huge weak spot for "cute" things. Stuffed animals, cute posters, colorful decorations, you name it. She doesn't really have a lot of spending money, but when she does, she almost immediately blows it on "cute" things. Her room, while clean, is absolutely packed with these things. She's got shelves and shelves of little vinyl figurines from that shop near her school that specializes in Japanese curios.
Remedy hates public transit. She has to put up with it to get around, but holy crud, does she hate it. Stinky, crowded, all that lurching around- it's enough to make her sick. And it usually does, unless she sits right by a window. If she could, she'd totally jsut ride her bike too and from school, but her parents have said no to that. They're too worried she'll get nabbed. Which, yeah, is a possibility, but still! No fair!
Remedy spends most of her time (when she's not working on music) with Bobbi, Randall, and Prisma. She can't take Prisma with her everywhere, but she tries her darndest to make sure she spends enough time with her. She's not gonna do what her brother did. She's gonna give Prisma what she lost. She's promised herself.
Appearance
Remedy likes simple, light clothes. She's aquired her mom's taste in flowy, silky sundresses, tunics and hemp sandals. Her hair is long, usually worn loose. She's not... conventially pretty, but she's got this weird, almost alien kind fo beauty to her. Her eyes are a stunning blue, but are a bit big on her face. Her mouth is small and downturned, but nicely shaped. She's got a button nose and freckles across her lightly tanned skin. Her hands are long and narrow, like the rest of her. She looks like she'd blow away in a strong wind. Sometimes, when she wears baggier clothes, it's hard to tell what gender she is. She's... not really sure how she feels about this.
Fuku
image
All in shades of blue. She wears a floaty fuku, in the basic shape of a sailor uniform. Her skirt is three layers of progressively lighter cloth. Her boots come up to mid-shin and her gloves to mid forearm. The main thing that changes when she transforms is that she grows a silvery horn from the center of her forehead.
Transformation
Remedy's relic is a small, spirialing crystal that looks somewhat like a horn. She usually wears it on a necklace.
"The world calls for purity! Monoceros, Knight of the Unicorn!" A light burst from her forehead and envelops her, nearly blinding. After a moment of being curled in the center of this tiny supernova, she appears in her fuku, horn and all. This takes about 15 seconds in total.
Powers
Weapon: Silver lance. She's really not skilled with using it as a pure offensive weapon, as she's not very strong. She can't put a lot of weight behind it, so instead, she uses it almost like a pole-vault. This lauches her into the air or forward, so she can put some more oomph into her attack... provided she can aim the thing.
Power: "Unicorn Strike" Remedy can expand the light from her horn outward in a beam approximately 20 feet in the direction she's facing. People hit by this beam find that any action is sluggish and hard to do. Unicorns were said to be unable to be harmed. In Remedy's case, it's because she can buy herself enough time to launch herself at her enemies... or away. No one said she was brave.
Explanation
Monoceros, the Unicorn. Unicorns were wild, ferocious beasts, despite their majestic appearance. However, their horns were said to be able to cure any ailment. Only those pure of heart, strong of mind and will could approach one. Some knights believed that to harm a unicorn was to brign damnation to the soul itself. To capture a unicorn is folly, because when they break free (and they will, given enough time), their wrath is something to be reckoned with.
Writing Sample
"Within the forests verdant green/Lives a creature never seen..."
Remedy carefully wrapped her tongue around the words, forcing the air in her lungs out slowly, as she'd been taught. She stood in her room with her choir book in front of her, rehearsing. She closed her eyes and let the song out on autopilot. Her mind began to wander. It wandered, like it always did, to River. Alex, she corrected herself. He was calling himself Alex now. It'd only been a year since he'd left. No goodbyes, no warning. Nothing but a letter to Prisma and Remedy. It'd said that he was sorry. That he couldn't see any other way, that he couldn't live the way their parents wanted him to live. Remedy's brows furrowed. What was so frakking wrong with how they lived, anyway? Mom and dad were a little too concerned sometimes, but they loved them.
"The beast alof held its horn/Songs and legends then were born..."
What kind of stupid name was Alex, anyway? Their names weren't really normal, yeah, but at least they were unique. Just like they were, right? Mom said she'd even chosen their names because of the personalities she'd seen in them when they were born. How cool was that? Most people just got named after grandparents or something. She let her eyes open a crack, to see the familiar shape of Prisma peeking in the door. Remedy smirked and pretended not to see.
"To a virgin came the beast/And laid its head upon her breast..."
A snicker gave Prisma away. She finally came in, covering her mouth and giggling. "You said 'breast'!", she tittered. Remedy grinned, pouncing on her sister and wrapping her in a hug. "Yeah, I did, birdy," she said, pulling Prisma onto her lap, "What'd you need?" Prisma's giggles subsided, but she still wore a grin. There was a tooth missing where she'd lost it last week. "Mommy says dinner will be ready soon, so you gotta come down." Remedy nodded, gave her sister a peck on the forehead and shooed her off. "I'll be right down, okay? I gotta wash up, first." Prisma ran off, and Remedy started putting her choir stuff away. She wondered if she was ever gonna get over River- Alex, she corrected herself- leaving...
Results
Your application was reviewed by Em, Reid, and Regina. Your verdict is Reject for Revision.
Em: Overall this application had a lot of good things going for it, but it would have benefited greatly from some spell-checking. There were several typos that could have been easily fixed. It also needed some more technical descriptive details in several areas. I love your fuku design, and Remedy in general seems like an interesting addition to the character roster. I love that you're going for a younger character, too, because it's really something that brings up the sort of moral questions we like to examine in SMyth! I also liked your power ideas. If you just add some more detail where needed, I think this character could be a great addition to the game! (And don't feel like you need to kill yourself on fuku description, just describe it so someone might draw a reasonable approximation of your fuku without any image present.)
Reid: Em pretty much covered my concerns (aside from fiddly legal technicalities re: Alex/River) but my main question is, if her powers aren't centered around purity (which, they are not) why not just make her the Stellar Senshi of the Unicorn? I think that might work out better on the overall, since the unicorn theme is already present in the character while the purity theme I'm not so sure about. If you want to stick with purity as her sphere, I'd suggest rewriting her powers to focus less on what's up with unicorns and more on what's up with purity.
Regina: Insert a "What they said" for Em and Reid. Only other comment being characterization seems a bit inconsistent for the parents, who alternately way too involved but somehow not so involved to notice their son was unhappy and working and then possibly surprised and don't notify the police or look for him when he moves out.
Detailed notes are below.
Civilian
+ E: Reversing the classic word order for the "Knight" title! Hm, unusual. I approve!
+ E: Hippie parents are going to be a bit of a trend at this rate! Not a complaint, just food for thought for future applicants.
+ E: And she's young. OMG I love it.
+ Rg: I like it as well. I think we have only one other senshi under 18 right now, and 13 is very young!
+ E: But also appropriate to classic Sailormoon in a great way.
- E: What school do Bobbi and Randall attend?
* E: After discussion with individuals familiar with the subject, the cutoff for school enrollment is January in the New York school system, so you may need to have Remedy in 8th grade, unless she was held back a year.
History
- Rd: I'm sort of curious about the kind of laissez-faire parenting [not knowing about River/Alex’s plan] implies. It doesn't make much sense to me that parents who completely indulge their daughter in exploring her hobbies would let a kid wander off for the kind of time working requires. Plus, in New York State, you can totally work from 14, but only with a parent's permission and a signed form saying you're doing well in school. So this detail is kinda ??? to me.
- Rg: I second Reid's concern about River/Alex. Not only that, but one would think their parents would be very alarmed and notify the police if their son suddenly vanished, note or no. As his parents there would be legal ramifications for them to not report him missing.
+ E: Actually, if he’s 18 and left a note, unless the parents have reason to think foul play befell him, he’s within his rights to leave. They might report it, but the police would possibly track him down, confirm he left of his own volition, and that would be that. I think parents who completely indulge their daughter in her hobbies would totally support their son working if he wanted to, so I'd put that in there. It would be weird and impossible they didn't know.
- E: How did Remedy develop her musical talents? (Or are they natural?) What spurred her interest? What are her musical goals? Has she had any sort of formal training?
- Rg: How did Remedy get noticed? Was she already in choir at the time?
- E: What area do Remedy and her family live in? Is the garden rooftop or are they outside Manhattan? (If she can potentially ride her bike to school, does that mean they live in or near Chelsea?) Is her family financially comfortable, modest, or do they struggle?
Personality
- Rg: I'm confused about Remedy's superstitious beliefs and behavior. The wording is unclear - if Remedy believes this is the way the world works and she isn't questioning it... why does she not believe it? What sorts of things does she believe? Does she behave this way even when she knows or thinks other people will believe she's strange for it?
+ E: I think the way to phrase this so everyone understands it (because it makes total and obvious sense to me what the applicant is saying) is that Remedy has superstitious or spiritual practices because she was raised with them, even if she isn't a true believer -- much like atheists who were raised Jewish often retain the cultural trappings of their upbringing while not believing in a deity. Though it would be worth noting why or how Remedy hasn't ended up drinking from the fountain of spiritual woo to the same extent as her parents. (Exposure to other belief systems? Hearing information from others about her parents' and their practices/beliefs? Or simply not being old enough to have formed concrete practices yet?)
Appearance
- E: What color is her hair? Texture? When you say long, do you mean just past her shoulders, or halfway down her back?
- Rg: What does "alien kind of beauty" mean? Be specific.
+ E: Er, as the alien-like beauty is a pretty common writing convention when referring to certain types of beauty, I don’t think further revision is 100% necessary. I mean, most people would understand what you mean when you say this, as it’s something commonly attributed to “not standardly-beautiful” models. If you want to include specific details, it might be helpful to look at such models to try and determine what features it is they have that give them this quality, but I recognize this can be a difficult task unless you’ve made a conscious study of the forms and anatomy of the human face. So this detail is not problematic in the least from where I sit, because expecting an applicant to have made that kind of a study of the human face is a bit unfair when using the general descriptor for such faces may be imprecise, but communicates the idea clearly enough.
- Rg: Based on her clothing choices, I wouldn't think it's hard to tell what gender she is, unless she's very androgynous and people aren't sure if she's crossdressing or not?
- E: Is she tall for her age, or average in height? (Since she is still growing, it might be worth stating it in terms of her parentage: whether she looks to be ascending to the height of a tall parent or favoring a short one, or if it isn't clear yet.)
Fuku
* E: Your fuku image is gorgeous, but we judge the fuku description section on the text, as it's part of determining an applicant's technical descriptive skill.
- E: What are the start and end shades of her skirt? Does it start off darker at the top or bottom?
- E: What color are her boots and gloves?
- E: How long is the horn? Does it bear the classic spiral shape, or is it smooth?
* E: The fuku image has elements not mentioned in the description, such as the ribbon bow going around her arms (which I love!) and what looks like a heart-shaped locket. Also, is the cloth of her skirt shimmery or is that just artistic effect for the image? Is the lowest/lightest layer partially transparent cloth, or is that just a quirk of the coloring? Is there a back bow?
Transformation
* E: What size is her relic? What color is it? How does it hang on a necklace? (Is there a hole in the center of the crystal, or does it have an attached eyelet?)
+ E: Love the transformation phrase! Nice transformation, too, but it might be worth adding a little bit more description about her position changes, since I assume she doesn't begin or end curled up in a floating ball. :)
- Rg: A fifteen second transformation seems to be a bit long for a transformation that's fairly simple.
Powers
- E: How long is the lance? How much of it is handle, how much is blade? Is it more of a spear style, or like a jousting lance?
- Rg: A pole-vault does require a lot of strength to execute otherwise one loses the grip on the pole and can't control one's body midair. If she's trying to strike someone with the spear after using it to get mid-air, she'd need a significant jump to coordinate herself before connecting with a target. Clarify?
- E: How does vaulting add oomph to her attack? (Or does this not refer to her magic attack?) Or do you just mean her launching herself as the attack? Sorry, I'm just a just a little confused!
+ E: Ha, I like the reasoning behind Unicorn Strike!
* E: How long does the sluggish effect last if you get hit by it? Does it affect all targets equally, or will some people end up more sluggish? How large is the beam in terms of width/girth? How long does the beam last? (Does she have to aim it before triggering, or does she have time to move the beam towards her target/s if they aren't already in its path?) What's the recharge time on this attack?
Writing Sample
- E: Is Remedy in fact a Battlestar Galactica fan? If not, how did she come to use "frak?"
- E: Start a new paragraph when a different speaker speaks.
+ E: Overall a nice, writing sample! I loved her little sister tittering over "breast." Hahaha, was that pun intentional? Regardless I enjoyed it!
Em: Overall this application had a lot of good things going for it, but it would have benefited greatly from some spell-checking. There were several typos that could have been easily fixed. It also needed some more technical descriptive details in several areas. I love your fuku design, and Remedy in general seems like an interesting addition to the character roster. I love that you're going for a younger character, too, because it's really something that brings up the sort of moral questions we like to examine in SMyth! I also liked your power ideas. If you just add some more detail where needed, I think this character could be a great addition to the game! (And don't feel like you need to kill yourself on fuku description, just describe it so someone might draw a reasonable approximation of your fuku without any image present.)
Reid: Em pretty much covered my concerns (aside from fiddly legal technicalities re: Alex/River) but my main question is, if her powers aren't centered around purity (which, they are not) why not just make her the Stellar Senshi of the Unicorn? I think that might work out better on the overall, since the unicorn theme is already present in the character while the purity theme I'm not so sure about. If you want to stick with purity as her sphere, I'd suggest rewriting her powers to focus less on what's up with unicorns and more on what's up with purity.
Regina: Insert a "What they said" for Em and Reid. Only other comment being characterization seems a bit inconsistent for the parents, who alternately way too involved but somehow not so involved to notice their son was unhappy and working and then possibly surprised and don't notify the police or look for him when he moves out.
Detailed notes are below.
Civilian
+ E: Reversing the classic word order for the "Knight" title! Hm, unusual. I approve!
+ E: Hippie parents are going to be a bit of a trend at this rate! Not a complaint, just food for thought for future applicants.
+ E: And she's young. OMG I love it.
+ Rg: I like it as well. I think we have only one other senshi under 18 right now, and 13 is very young!
+ E: But also appropriate to classic Sailormoon in a great way.
- E: What school do Bobbi and Randall attend?
* E: After discussion with individuals familiar with the subject, the cutoff for school enrollment is January in the New York school system, so you may need to have Remedy in 8th grade, unless she was held back a year.
History
- Rd: I'm sort of curious about the kind of laissez-faire parenting [not knowing about River/Alex’s plan] implies. It doesn't make much sense to me that parents who completely indulge their daughter in exploring her hobbies would let a kid wander off for the kind of time working requires. Plus, in New York State, you can totally work from 14, but only with a parent's permission and a signed form saying you're doing well in school. So this detail is kinda ??? to me.
- Rg: I second Reid's concern about River/Alex. Not only that, but one would think their parents would be very alarmed and notify the police if their son suddenly vanished, note or no. As his parents there would be legal ramifications for them to not report him missing.
+ E: Actually, if he’s 18 and left a note, unless the parents have reason to think foul play befell him, he’s within his rights to leave. They might report it, but the police would possibly track him down, confirm he left of his own volition, and that would be that. I think parents who completely indulge their daughter in her hobbies would totally support their son working if he wanted to, so I'd put that in there. It would be weird and impossible they didn't know.
- E: How did Remedy develop her musical talents? (Or are they natural?) What spurred her interest? What are her musical goals? Has she had any sort of formal training?
- Rg: How did Remedy get noticed? Was she already in choir at the time?
- E: What area do Remedy and her family live in? Is the garden rooftop or are they outside Manhattan? (If she can potentially ride her bike to school, does that mean they live in or near Chelsea?) Is her family financially comfortable, modest, or do they struggle?
Personality
- Rg: I'm confused about Remedy's superstitious beliefs and behavior. The wording is unclear - if Remedy believes this is the way the world works and she isn't questioning it... why does she not believe it? What sorts of things does she believe? Does she behave this way even when she knows or thinks other people will believe she's strange for it?
+ E: I think the way to phrase this so everyone understands it (because it makes total and obvious sense to me what the applicant is saying) is that Remedy has superstitious or spiritual practices because she was raised with them, even if she isn't a true believer -- much like atheists who were raised Jewish often retain the cultural trappings of their upbringing while not believing in a deity. Though it would be worth noting why or how Remedy hasn't ended up drinking from the fountain of spiritual woo to the same extent as her parents. (Exposure to other belief systems? Hearing information from others about her parents' and their practices/beliefs? Or simply not being old enough to have formed concrete practices yet?)
Appearance
- E: What color is her hair? Texture? When you say long, do you mean just past her shoulders, or halfway down her back?
- Rg: What does "alien kind of beauty" mean? Be specific.
+ E: Er, as the alien-like beauty is a pretty common writing convention when referring to certain types of beauty, I don’t think further revision is 100% necessary. I mean, most people would understand what you mean when you say this, as it’s something commonly attributed to “not standardly-beautiful” models. If you want to include specific details, it might be helpful to look at such models to try and determine what features it is they have that give them this quality, but I recognize this can be a difficult task unless you’ve made a conscious study of the forms and anatomy of the human face. So this detail is not problematic in the least from where I sit, because expecting an applicant to have made that kind of a study of the human face is a bit unfair when using the general descriptor for such faces may be imprecise, but communicates the idea clearly enough.
- Rg: Based on her clothing choices, I wouldn't think it's hard to tell what gender she is, unless she's very androgynous and people aren't sure if she's crossdressing or not?
- E: Is she tall for her age, or average in height? (Since she is still growing, it might be worth stating it in terms of her parentage: whether she looks to be ascending to the height of a tall parent or favoring a short one, or if it isn't clear yet.)
Fuku
* E: Your fuku image is gorgeous, but we judge the fuku description section on the text, as it's part of determining an applicant's technical descriptive skill.
- E: What are the start and end shades of her skirt? Does it start off darker at the top or bottom?
- E: What color are her boots and gloves?
- E: How long is the horn? Does it bear the classic spiral shape, or is it smooth?
* E: The fuku image has elements not mentioned in the description, such as the ribbon bow going around her arms (which I love!) and what looks like a heart-shaped locket. Also, is the cloth of her skirt shimmery or is that just artistic effect for the image? Is the lowest/lightest layer partially transparent cloth, or is that just a quirk of the coloring? Is there a back bow?
Transformation
* E: What size is her relic? What color is it? How does it hang on a necklace? (Is there a hole in the center of the crystal, or does it have an attached eyelet?)
+ E: Love the transformation phrase! Nice transformation, too, but it might be worth adding a little bit more description about her position changes, since I assume she doesn't begin or end curled up in a floating ball. :)
- Rg: A fifteen second transformation seems to be a bit long for a transformation that's fairly simple.
Powers
- E: How long is the lance? How much of it is handle, how much is blade? Is it more of a spear style, or like a jousting lance?
- Rg: A pole-vault does require a lot of strength to execute otherwise one loses the grip on the pole and can't control one's body midair. If she's trying to strike someone with the spear after using it to get mid-air, she'd need a significant jump to coordinate herself before connecting with a target. Clarify?
- E: How does vaulting add oomph to her attack? (Or does this not refer to her magic attack?) Or do you just mean her launching herself as the attack? Sorry, I'm just a just a little confused!
+ E: Ha, I like the reasoning behind Unicorn Strike!
* E: How long does the sluggish effect last if you get hit by it? Does it affect all targets equally, or will some people end up more sluggish? How large is the beam in terms of width/girth? How long does the beam last? (Does she have to aim it before triggering, or does she have time to move the beam towards her target/s if they aren't already in its path?) What's the recharge time on this attack?
Writing Sample
- E: Is Remedy in fact a Battlestar Galactica fan? If not, how did she come to use "frak?"
- E: Start a new paragraph when a different speaker speaks.
+ E: Overall a nice, writing sample! I loved her little sister tittering over "breast." Hahaha, was that pun intentional? Regardless I enjoyed it!